Position:Home>Poetry> Am I wasting time with this?
Question: Am I wasting time with this!?
It isn't quite right!. But I'm not sure if it's worth fixing!.
The Hour-Glass
when as a fish you soar amid flashing crashing waves
a silver mote in an azure sky
I mark time by the toll toll tolling of harbor bells
calling you home
when as a moth you weave amid towering flowering trees
a silver orb in an ebon sky
I mark time by the sigh sigh sighing of moon washed leaves
calling you home
when as a swan you sail amid whirling swirling clouds
a silver ark in a flood red sky
I mark time by the splash splash splashing of water wheels
calling you home
when as a foal you graze amid flowing glowing plains
a silver seed in a golden sky
I mark time by the drum drum drumming of racing hooves
calling you home
when as a man you walk amid lifting shifting dunes
a silver glass in a sun bleached sky
I mark time by the rush rush rushing of falling sand
calling you homeWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Very, very good (imho)!. Have you ever read Poe's "The Bells"!? Not saying you borrowed at all, of course not, but perhaps an influence!? It reminded me of that one, is all!.
"Calling you home" --!? Death, heaven!? War, safe return!? Something else!? Or are you like me, letting the reader do with it what (s)he will!?
I do like it, very much so!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Looks good to me!. Maybe you should try a silver ark in a blood red sky instead of a silver ark in a flood red sky!. Just a suggestion!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
A slight re write
Booze
when as a fish you soar
and crash into the Parlour door
amid flashing crashing waves
a silver mote your drunk for sure!.
when as a moth you twist and weave
over front room suite you heave
your guts up and the mess you leave
Your surely drunk once more!.
when as a swan you sail amid
swirling clouds and eat a squid
Raw just like the Japanese did
Suchi; your drunk for sure!.
when as a foal you graze amid
the mess that you just vomited
And some that somebody else did
It means your drunk for sure
when as a man you walk amid
the broken glass which you smash-ed
and get pitying looks from your kids
Its time you sobered up
Only Joking!.
Yours was very good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com