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Question: My new fantasy poem please comment!?
Its just a simple poem i did with internal rhyming in every line and rhymes between lines, its about a giant worm creature basically it was a random idea :)
City Worm
The city worm does turn and swell
in sewers of wet it does yet dwell
tunneling through it knew in haste
to belong in slime and grime and waste!.
Pass under the cities thunder to live
does dither but slither and give
a slimy but shiny covering of gel
in its home in movement alone it does smell!.
City lights in nights the worm does see
through gutters it mutters of thee
and chase the car noises to race and play
but a second worm it does yearn to stay!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The poem is interesting, but what you can do with it is fascinating!.
Sounds like you have the opening for a book -- because this poem, along with others for each chapter beginning -- could carry you far!.
This gives you the basis of a story, and a section to work with chapter by chapter!.
I'm read The Strand Prophecies (an award winning novel) by 13 year old twins and their dad -- they are the youngest award winners ever!.
If you've never read Dune by Frank Herbert, it's a classic and may give you some good ideas!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
oh my god you are fantastic, get it published quick as the world deserves to acknowledge youre greatness, i see a time when youre work will be taught in schools alongside greats like shakespeare, i bow to thee oh master!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You need to stick with contemporary English and not use the old version just to rythme, when you do that the words distract from the message or feeling!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Good stuff, didn't make me squirm your cosmopolitan worm!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think this is too constraining a verse form to support internal rhymes!. The Raven's lines were practically a pair, at sixteen syllables in length!. Yours seem to target eight!. The poem uses `does' far too often for obviously rhyme-related reasons; the cost is a crippled verb-tense system and an inconsistent tone!. Combined with slightly forced sense-pairs joined by conjunctions (slime and grime, dither but slither (!?), slimy but shiny (!?)) these make well more than half of the internal rhymes!. Finally, my feeling is that the effect internal rhyme seeks to achieve in this type of poem (such as in The Raven) presupposes perfect metre; this poem is still some ways from achieving that ideal!.
In some modern and much contemporary poetry, grammar seems to be considered optional!. This is most usually the case with lyric poetry, of which the preponderance seems to comprises ungrammatical streams of words!. But I am very unsure about ungrammatical (or almost-grammatical, in this case) descriptive or narrative verse, because traditional grammar is better suited to mere description or narration than it is, perhaps, to conveying psychology!. I have great difficulty parsing any of these three sentences, even taking the liberty to add private punctuation; even adding semicolons, I am only able to create an exact parse for the third sentence!. I realise that vagueness is often a desirable artistic pose which you may have struck: but you may want to know that at least one comparatively traditional reader is troubled by it!.
I hope this is useful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com