Position:Home>Poetry> Could I be a poet? I need an opinion on how good it is! PLEASE HELP ME!!!?

What makes a poet is a love for language, and not just any kind of language but compact, every-word-counts-so-dont-waste-any, thirst for language!.

Unlike a novelist, who throws out hundred and hundreds of ok or so-so lines, a poet would rather write 4 lines of something exquisite rather than 20 lines of "I woke up, I brushed my teeth, I went to bed, yada yada snarf!.!.!.' In other words, being a poet means being picky and choosy and nothing being put down on paper is fluff!.

What you have is a good first draft of a poem!. In other words, you have got down the basic feeling and structure of the poem, along with the overall idea you want to convey, but I would be surprised if you simply said to yourself that 'this' was the best that you could do!.

Repetition is a powerful tool, but too much repetition, or lines 'forced' to repeat themselves when other lines might make more sense, or create a stronger rhythm, is more about the poet 'clinging' to the tool rather than letting the poem deviate when it needs to!.

The first three lines are very good, very rythmic and hypnotic, but starting with the fourth line, the repetition of 'you took' starts to detract from the poem, especially in line 6 where you say 'you cleared my cabinet!.!.!.' We get that the person is taking stuff away from you, so you don't have to wait til line 6 to start coming up with new ways that they 'take' from you:

and you disconnected my phone,
and you evicted my pet fish,
and you cleared out my cabinets, taking every dish,

Do you see how not keeping the same verb (took) changes the feeling of the poem while keeping the same rythm (7 syllable lines except for every 3rd line, which is closer to 11 syllables!?) By changing the verb, it makes the poem sound as if the person doing the taking is not just putting stuff out on the lawn or stealing but going into every part of the narrator's life, trying to be as destructive as possible!. And that is good, because the payoff at the end of the poem is that no matter how much this person takes, they still can't take it all!.

The last two lines are a bit cliche, which makes the poem boring instead of dramatic!. A better idea, if you want to end on a philosophical note, would be to make your soul (instead of beautiful and loving, which are boring cliches) take the place of all those things you have lost!. For example:

!.!.!.then I guess you now have everything I own,
except for the thing that makes me whole,
my fabulously furnished, and untouched, soul!.

Do you see the difference!? By making the soul the keeper of your furnishings, and untouched by all that has happened, your poem would then turn the action around on the accuser, making what they have 'taken' seem small and meaningless, in the grand scheme of things!. You can substitute a whole bunch of different words for 'fabulously' (magnificently, spledidly, richly, exquisitely, etc etc) and the meaning would still be the same!. There is still a strong sense of the dramatic within the poem, but the ending is made stronger by simply not accepting any old description for what kind of soul you have!.

Poetry is not about settling for words, its about keeping at it til you find the right word!. Only a love for words, and all the things they can do, makes someone put in that kind of work, which is exactly what makes a poet different from someone who just writes up anything with rhyme in it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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These are just my suggestions to make it a little better!.



If you took away my cash,
and took away my bed,
and took the thoughts right out of my head,
and took away my phone,
and took away my fish,
and you cleared my cabinent from dish to dish,
and took away my books,
and took away my home,
then I guess you took away, every thing that I own!.
But the one thing you didn't take,
is my loving,and beautiful soul

Other then my suggestions I have nothing else to say other then I do like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Hey lolipop!.!.!.everything is not a poem and you should learn how to spell!. As far as poems go it's okay!. Not bad, just okay!. You should expand this more and maybe describe your soul more!. Does soul have a religious or spiritual meaning or it it more about your will-what makes you you type of thing!? I like the duality of materialism vs the spiritual!. Expand on that more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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If some one says its bad dont listen to them because they dont know real poetry and tipicly everything is a poem becuase theres different types of poetry and thats one of my favorite types!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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This poem is awesome! I really like it!. Don't listen to anyone who tells you it isn't good!.

It's great!Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Tis alright! Write some more poems and you might become really good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

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Very good but Honestly
Surely you would be like me
If you took away my cash
Your head in I'd surely bashWww@QuestionHome@Com

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