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Question: My first free verse, any suggestions!?
Footprints in the sand
Tiny grains between my toes
A million, million, million
Too many to count
too many to feel
But together they make
Something bigger than me!.
Foot after foot,
Step after step
Beauty ahead
The sun slowly rising!.
How can two eyes
Take in so many feelings!?
So much light
So much color
That blend together
Perfect harmony!.
My eyes are my ears
The colors are symphonies
Calling me listen!
Step after step
Why look behind
To the darkness slowly fading
To my footprints in the sand
Why look ahead
To the sun unobtainable
How far away I don’t know!.
So I close my eyes
Feel the spray on my face
Hear the waves coming in
Splash, splashing
Up to where my feet stand
Then receding again
Open my eyes
Look towards the sunlight
Someday I’ll get there
But for now I’m content
Step after step
Footprints in the sand!.
Thank you!!
Any suggestions would be amazing, I usually write rhyming poetry so I'm new to free verse!. What to you think!?
By the way, I'm 13!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I wouldn't have used the phrases
footprints in the sand is a really well known poem!. So I mean, I guess you don't know that being 13 but I'd change my title and every mention of your feet in the sand other than the part at the beginning
I love "million million million" It's like a kid talking, which makes me feel like a kid!.
More than anything I really hate to hear you're 13!. I don't know why you would tell me that unless you wanted to hear how mature and intelligent you are!. Which is !.!.!. just annoying!.
The poem was pretty nice though, I'd edit it a bit and change the title and associated lines!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is almost exquisite!
Your title and the last line are cliches!. anywhere you have written" footprints in the sand " makes me cringe!.
Try replacing the lines with something like !.!.!.!.Sandcasts In The Moonlight !.!.!.
It allows you the gift of beauty until daylight and reality arrives!.
Excellent job! Bravo!Www@QuestionHome@Com
well its beautiful
but if what you're really looking for is a critique
of some sort
i'd have to say
i didn't really feel the passion
until i got to
"so much light
so much color"
it's beautiful sweetie
keep up with itWww@QuestionHome@Com
This is really nice!. I not only get a visual image I can see with my closed eyes, my shoes-and-socks-clad feet feel the sand as you describe it!.
Gonna get some beach time this summer!? I hope I will, too!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
For a 13 year old, its not bad, but I do have some suggestions, just to help with the way that the words kind of flow together!. Its definitely pretty good for a first poem!. ^^
"A million, million, million"
Instead of just repeating "million", I would suggest using some other words!. Like, an idea for this line would be
"A hundred, thousand, million"!.
"Something bigger than me!."
Certainly you could come up with something more interesting for this line!. Heck, you transform this into several lines for your poem!.
"Something stronger
More powerful"
I dunno, thats all that came to my mind there!.
"So much light
So much color"
I would change this to:
"Beams of light
Streaks of color"
"Take in so many feelings!?"
I would change this to:
"Accept these overwhelming feelings!?"
"Calling me listen!"
I would change this to:
"They're calling me just listen"
You don't use puncuation anywhere else, so don't use it here!.
Overall, its very nice and very flowy and peaceful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com