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Question: My new poem please read and comment!?
In the Phantoms night
From a life time of sleepy hollow,
coffined in the dungeon it lays
to hunt a night and sleep by days
sheltered at daylight in castle walls it stays!.
The phantoms intension's infused,
blood likened for it's taste
mortals lie cold, stiff, defaced
to drink the bleeding its graced!.
Offspring they flex and fly,
black bat winged creatures at night
a swarm of a million in flight
leather backs silvered by moonlight!.
Blood thirsty bats dangle harum-scarum,
red evil eyes they peep
like a tree of black bark they sleep
in wait of a golden apple to reap!.
Peasants divulge their cross's,
to revel with fisted hands
behind the village troops the priest he stands
in protection of threatened lands!.
? Andrew Lockley 2008Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Much credit to you for choosing this difficult rhyme scheme!. The challenge, of course, is not so much finding three rhymes, as making triplets not sound jingly!. Yet, I think you perceive there is a sense of inevitability which this rhyme scheme can lend when it is successful!. I tend to agree with you!. I don't know if these ideas would be helpful, but a few suggestions:
-I would be over-scrupulous about regular metre!.
-I would consider making the last line deliberately longer than the other three!. 8/8/8/12 or 10/10/10/12 might be nice: probably the latter!. To me the sound is aspiring to an effect like a simplified The Eve of St!. Agnes!.
-Some of the apostrophes are a little bit distracting, such as lines 6 and 17; I would consider taking these out!. Others are more bearable, such as possibly line five: but in my opinion contractions lower your tone somewhat below where you would like this!. This is an aesthetic decision you will have to make; I am describing how it appears to me as a reader!.
I hope this is useful!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it you really paint a picture, there is a really good rhythm running through it as well!.
Here's one of my poems see if you like it:
What is the meaning of just,
to be honest and true!?
What is the meaning of truth,
who are you sincere to!.
How do you find what’s right,
when the world is unfair and cruel!.
The meaning of just impossible to find
when greedy eyes rule!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Once again, you have blown me away!. But this time, much more vibrant!. The picture you paint with you imagination is so clear if eel as if i am locked away in the dungeon, gazing out as the bats fly over head!. You have a talent that i most admire, some day i hope to be as good as you!. but, for now, i take the advice you give,and learn from you masterpieces!.
!.!.~?*RaeRae*?~!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I can't believe youy just wasted that much time of my life! that was awful! i HATED it! worst crap i've EVER read ANYWHERE!! i now hate you for being so STUPID! RETARD! thast wasn't a poem, it was just retarded crap! worse than retarded crap! it is retarded among retarded crap!
jk 5 stars! :DWww@QuestionHome@Com
Well, you know I like vampire poetry!. This is good -- a little deeper than others, with more grit and a few symbollic safety catches for the poor villagers!.
to hunt a night and sleep by days <--- at nightWww@QuestionHome@Com
Shame about your spelling, I'd improve that!. Otherwise a good poem - some brilliant metaphors in there!. I like the idea of moonlight 'silvering' things!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
you can vision it clearly, but for some reason, i only like it just a little bit!. Maybe its bcuz it rhymes too much!.!.!.!.(!?)
xDWww@QuestionHome@Com
sorry probabley not the answer you want but i don't like itWww@QuestionHome@Com