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Question: My poem, please read!?! Thanks!?
I based this on the poem 'Excelsior" by longfellow!.
here's the real poem :
http://www!.readbookonline!.net/readOnLine!.!.!.Run!
The day is bright, it’s time to go,
From the top of my head to my baby toe,
My body is screaming that one word,
I don’t ignore it, how absurd!.
Run!
I do up my laces, tie back my hair,
I have my nicest socks to wear,
I am now ready to chase down the wind,
The day is crisp, but I just grinned!.
Run!
I set out at a decent pace,
My mind wanders to outer space,
I know just then there was nothing wrong,
As my legs beat the rhythm of an unknown song,
Run!
“Look at her go” the lady said,
I knew my face was turning red,
“Faster, faster!” yelled my mind,
I felt like my stars had just aligned!.
Run!
Shoes upon the gravel sung,
Air fills up my young, strong, lungs,
Ka-thump, ka-thump, so beat my heart,
I knew I was off to the right start!.
Run!
What do you think of me copying the rhyming scheme!? Any comments or suggestions!?
Www@QuestionHome@Com
Overall good, but you have a few spots to fix!.
1) I hesitate to use a phrase "do up my laces"!. What does "do up" mean!? Perhaps use "tie" or "tighten" in place of 'do up'!.
2) If you start in first person present, y ou need to stay in it!. You change tenses even in the middle of a line!. "The day IS crisp, but I just GRINNED" Change Grinned (past tense) to GRIN (present tense)!. The Rhyme will remain the same!. Same with 'Fills', present tense and then 'beat' past tense, SUNG, past tense, "I knew" past tense!. Change all past tense to present and it may read a lot better!.
3) the final stanza has the line "off to the right start" and gives an odd end to the poem!. Consider moving this stanza up toward the beginning (Start = beginning)!. also the line with SUNG may need adjusting since it would no longer rhyme if changed to present tense SING!.
The day is bright, it’s time to go,
From the top of my head to my baby toe,
My body is screaming that one word,
I don’t ignore it, how absurd!.
Run!
I do tighten my laces, tie back my hair,
I have my nicest socks to wear,
I now am ready to chase down the wind,
The day is crisp, but I just grin!.
Run!
I set out at a decent pace,
My mind wanders to outer space,
I know just then there is nothing wrong,
As my legs beat the rhythm of an unknown song,
Run!
Shoes upon the gravel sing,
Air fills up my young, strong, lungs,
Ka-thump, ka-thump, so beats my heart,
I know I am off to just the right start!.
Run!
“Look at her go” the lady said,
I know my face is turning red,
“Faster, faster!” yells my mind,
I feel like my stars have just aligned!.
Run!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's okay if the poem is an exercise and you learned something!. If you were submitting it to me, I'd reject it because it's too dated!. Mostly, the poem "tells" us what is happening; a line such as "Shoes upon the gravel sung" is much better because of the image of singing shoes!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I kinda liked it!. i have friends who run track, and where mostly i dont understand what they see in it, i felt a bit in your poem!. I am not overly fond of the rhyming scheme, but thats just me!. i'm a die-hard free-verse person!. but i liked it!.
~EmWww@QuestionHome@Com
i love it and i love the rhythm scheme!.!.your poem is unique and different since it's about running!. i've never read a poem about running before ! great poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I did answer this one!. As I recall, I said it worked fine and showed promise and creativity!.
And I noted it was a "happy poem!."Www@QuestionHome@Com