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Question: Ok I really need help!!!! Please critique my poem!!!!!?
Ok be completely honest cuz I need the truth!.!.!.!.!.!.!.
Chaotic life engulfed in confusion
All memories start to become blurred
They are now just an illusion
Of her shattered life
Chaotic life slipping away
From everything held dearly
All her thoughts steadily decay
And her imagination is no longer flawless
Chaotic life running out of decision
No way to camouflage the minutes minutes ticking by
There's no time for precision
Its almost time to die
No longer a chaotic life
All the anguish is gone
No more strife
This poor soul has passed on, to the after lifeWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
i love this it's dark and depressing it's just like what i write it's really good!. i have a question so i'm going to add you to my contacts and probably e-mail you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sorry, I really don't like it!. it doesn't seem to have any rhythm or reason!.!.!.you rhyme in the third and fourth stanza differently than in the first two!.!.!.you need to redo some lines to make the syllables make more sense!. sometimes saying to much is worse then saying not enough!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Is this your soul or another!?
I feel its looking into anothers, like mothers or aunties!?
A life tied with the materialistic world, giving up and not seeing that through own self ,dreams attained!.
just my oppion!.
thank you xWww@QuestionHome@Com
sad poem,really deep!.I like it,I like what you are try to say!.The poem is express the same as the person is feeling,anguish and chaotic,sadWww@QuestionHome@Com
That was sad!. Okay, not a great rhythm though sorry!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
A sad poem, but well done!.!.!.!.good to see a younger person who actually has a vocabulary!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
hey, i've seen ur pic on myyearbook!.com before! i like ur poem!. plz read mine!. thanksWww@QuestionHome@Com
What's better: "I like my dog" or "When my dog gallops into the room, and his momentum makes him crash and fall over, but he's so happy to see me he doesn't seem to notice, I realize how much he means to me"!?
Your poem is the 'I like my dog' version of someone dying!. It says something but it says something more to the person saying it than the person hearing it!. To the reader, the experience is all second-hand, which means anything (poetry, books, music, whatnot) is made better with details!.
Words like chaotic, all, anguish, memories, thoughts, minutes, etc mean the same thing as 'like'!. They convey vague, generalised ideas, not specific concrete and relateable ones!. If you want a good poem about someone dying, read Emily Dickinson's poem "I heard a fly buzz around the room!."
Sometimes, you can make a single action performed throughout a poem stand for the thing you want to talk about!. Instead of a talking about a chaotic life, trying 'displaying it:
She hears,
Sit up, stand straight, don't hunch, eat this, do that, how are you, which way to timbuk tu, the square root of nothing, what's for dinner, how's your day, is it that time already, is this it, does he love me!?
She hears,
Sit straight, stand up, be good, be kind, be nice, what's for dinner, how's your day, why are you crying, whats wrong!?
She hears,
Cancer, dementia, depression, a slipped disk, a straight razor, a bathtub, tube socks, soggy newspapers, footsteps trying not to wake her!.
She hears,
A voice calling out her name, in time to the ticking of the clock!. A doorbell!. She gets up to answer!. What will they hear when they put their ear to her chest!?
Someone else has to listen now!.
Same action as your poem, but do you sense the difference!?
The person dying in your poem doesn't really live, so if they don't really live do they really die, and does the reader even care!? A good poet makes the reader care about what the poem is saying, and they do that by making the person familiar and knowable, with details!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's a very imaginative and emotionally loud poem!. And even though it may not be based on real life, it has that translation ability, so that certain readers can connect or even just understand!.
I don't know if you meant to repeat "minutes" in the tenth line, but you did!. It would make sense if it was a song!. You also repeated the word "life" way too close to each other twice, and I know your base phrase is "Chaotic life", but, it doesn't flow right!. If this is an assignment for a class or something, I think you'll do fine!. Me and my extremely picky and sometimes unavoidably biased taste give it a:
77 out of 100!. If you don't agree, that's fine, it's just an opinion!. But, what good is literature without opinion!?Www@QuestionHome@Com