My fantasy poem please comment?

Question: My fantasy poem please comment!?

In the Phantoms night

From a life time of sleepy hollow,
coffined in the dungeon it lays
to hunt a night and sleep by days
confined at daylight in castle walls it stays!.

The phantoms intension’s infused,
green like grass, blood to his taste
little left drizzles to waste
in nightfall drinking in haste!.

Offspring they flex and fly,
black bat winged creatures at night
a swarm of a million in flight
silvered by moonlight!.

Blood thirsty bats dangle harum-scarum,
red evil eyes they peep
like a tree of black bark they sleep
in wait of a golden apple to reap!.

? Andrew Lockley 2008

Thanks http://poetrysamateur!.wordpress!.com/Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

it has a good flow, and you are very talented!. keep it up!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Full of the mysterious world of the bat cave!.
But
Bloody thirsty bats don't dangle harum-scarum
they 'Dingle-dangle like vellum in the breeze!.'
and probably find reaping hard work!.
so
'red evil cross-eyes meet
black bark pulled over like a sheet
dreams of a Golden Delicious to eat'
? Platobeenz 2009!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

While as a rule I hate compliment fishing on Yahoo Answers I will reluctantly excuse you for this one as I like the poem!. The writing really isn't bad, but I think your rhythm is way off, there's just none to speak of!. I do prefer to hear a poem read aloud by the writer because sometimes it's hard to read the rhythm they're going for but I just couldn't detect one here!. It's also a tad repetitive toward the end!. You could probably do without the second stanza!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think it's amazing! you are a great writer!. but instead of little left drizzles to waste think about changing it to left little drizzles to waste!. congrats!

The phantoms intension’s infused,
green like grass, blood to his taste
LEFT LITTLE drizzles to waste
in nightfall drinking in haste!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

wonderful!!!

especially the last three stanzasWww@QuestionHome@Com

Very nice!. I really enjoyed it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

wat does harum-scarum mean!?Www@QuestionHome@Com

Really enjoyed reading this can't wait for the next one well doneWww@QuestionHome@Com

Its very goodWww@QuestionHome@Com

This is very well written!.
Keep up the good work :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

yes very nice!. great usage of words in the verses!. I enjoyed this very much!. great job!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

wow, thats really goodWww@QuestionHome@Com