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Question:

Hey, I'm in 9th grade English Honors, can someone please make any changes in this first paragraph of my essay!?

One of Shakespeare’s lovers was a mistress, and his mistress is often addressed in his poetry as having a dark complexion, such as in Sonnet 130!. At one point in his life he was working at the theatre!. The woman to soon become his mistress worked with him in the theatre as well!. This is how the two got to meet each other, and the woman eventually became Shakespeare’s mistress!. Shakespeare says that the mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun (line 1)!. This gives a description of the mistress’ eyes being dark, unlike the brightness of the sun!. Shakespeare also says the mistress’ breasts are dun (line 3)!. This is telling us that his mistress’ breasts were of a darkish color, like her eyes!. Shakespeare also says if the mistress’ hair were wires then black wires grow out of her head (line 4)!. Here Shakespeare is telling of the mistress’ dark black hair!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Um, what's your essay about!? I'm asking because you sort of bounce around with no real direction!. I get that you're talking about Shakespeare's mistress and the way he describes her and personifies her characteristics!. BUT I'm not sure why you're talking about those things!. Your intro!. paragraph should go from general to specific, which you sort of do, but your focus gets lost!.

I also suggest that you actually quote the sonnet(s) you're using!. There's a difference between TELLING (which you're doing) and SHOWING (which you would do if you used direct quotes)!.

Do you have a thesis of some sort!? I think that if you sit down and figure out EXACTLY what this essay is about, you'll have a more focused intro!. and it will help you guide the rest of your paper so it's not so confusing!.

EDIT:

I'm offering the additional feedback that you requested!. : )

In terms of focus, maybe I wasn't clear about what I meant!. I think the problem is that you aren't being explicit enough in the beginning of your essay!.

As an English major, I'm a fan of introducing my topic and setting up my argument in the intro!. paragraph--as you know, the last sentence should be your thesis!. It's kind of like a sign post for your paper that says, "You're going to be reading about _____"

THEN I bring in my quotes and evidence in the body paragraphs!.

So, your introduction would be something like, "Many of Shakespeare's sonnets deal with the topic of love and are addressed to two individuals, a mistress and a male figure!. In his sonnets, Shakespeare uses many different themes and techniques!. Particularly in sonnets 130 and 144, his love, and the impact of time on that love, is displayed through his descriptions of his lovers!."

Basically, I feel like the first paragraph that you posted would be better suited as a body paragraph discussing Sonnet 130!. Remember to use direct quotes; they're an important part of "proving" your argument!.

As a sidenote, I'm a bit anxious about your discussion of Sonnet 130!. Although Shakespeare does negate his mistress's appearance ("nothing like the sun"; "breasts are dun", etc!.) I've never quite taken him literally!. What he's doing, in my opinion, is setting up popular examples of female beauty in his time period (eyes as bright as the sun; pale skin; silky hair; a musical voice, etc) and saying, "Even though my mistress doesn't fit into any of these categories for perfect beauty, she's "rare" and beyond "compare!."

I hope that's not too confusing!. :)

also, as everyone else has said, I'm not sure there's any evidence that Shakespeare met his mistress in the theatre!. BUT if you read that somewhere, I'd really love to know where because that's totally new information for me and I'm an English major!

Good luck--hope this isn't too long!. ; )Www@QuestionHome@Com

Historians believe Shakespeare's "dark lady" was indeed his mistress (unwed, at least to him, lover)!. In fact, the lady presumed to be his mistress was married!.!.!.just not to "him"!. There is no mention of his having met her on stage or in a production, so I'm not sure where you found that information!. also, when Shakespeare says that his mistress's eyes are "nothing like the sun", I don't believe the reference was about their color; I believe the reference was about their "brightness", and he says that if "snow be white, !.!.!.her breasts are dun, meaning that she is not "pure"!.!.!.in fact the entire sonnet is about how she is not much to look at, not much in the way of smelling nice or speaking well, but that he loved her more than any goddess could hope for!. also, remember that his sonnets were personal poetry not ever meant to be published (the last were written in 1595 and the first were printed in 1609) but merely shown to close friends, as was the custom at the time!. Yes, she probably had black hair!. So, your essay is on the right track, you just need to edit the history a little in order to make it more technically correct!.

!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com

Hi --

I could be wrong, but I have never heard the theory that Shakespeare met the dark lady in the theatre!. (Few if any women worked in the Elizabethan theatre!.) Do you have sources for this!? also, the sonnets were probably written during the plague years when the London theatres were closed: this is not exactly known, but it seems to be around this time!. also, the way the word `mistress' was used overlaps somewhat with how we use it today, so the sense he means is not exactly certain!. Whether the speaker of the poem is meant to be Shakespeare himself, or if the Dark Lady is not totally fictional, is not so well known!. It seems the Young Man poems are easier to contextualise than these!.

I know I'm only adding confusion, but I hope this helps you ultimately!.Www@QuestionHome@Com