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Question: Made alterations to a poem i wrote a while go, what do you feel!?
A call to the stars
I looked at the star’s, and cried out to you,
Something a miss, did you feel it too!?
Were you listening!? Did you hear my call!?
Were you my love about to fall!?
All of these questions have been in my head,
But as a child, I was heart not mind lead,
I remember a feeling deep within side,
I keep hold of that feeling, for my soul never lied!.
I remember the soldier, for he is whom I need,
In my heart remembering, he who plants the seed,
For when we come together, our souls all alone,
Remembrance of eternal loves, which we have always known!.
I know as adults it is hard to understand,
For were told hopes and wishes are just like grains of sand,
Nevertheless, the soul within our hearts, knows more than we do,
Recollection, love unconditionally, and now remember whom!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Beautiful as usual, if I may, I will just place it here with the suggestions!? No offense at all intended!. The suggestions are mostly just rearranging the words, and leaving out filler words!.
I looked at the star’s, and cried out to you,
Something is amiss, did you feel it too!?
Were you listening!? Did you hear my call!?
Did you feel my love!.!.!. at all!?
Always questions in my head,
As children, it was heart, not mind lead!.
Feelings hidden somewhere!.!.!. deep inside,
Savoring that feeling, my soul never lied!.
Remember the soldier, he is whom I need,
My heart remembers, he who plants the seed!.
When we came together, our soul all alone,
Awakened eternal love, which we had always known!.
As adults it was hard to understand,
Hopes and wishes, vanished like grains of sand,
With wisdom our heart, had a sharper view,
Recollection, love unconditionally, never regret!.!.!.!.!.!.do you!?
If not to your liking, sorry, just my opinion only!. Thanks for sharing!. ?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well, I like the reach for the stars attitude!. I have some complaints though!. Your lines get progressively longer until they are like mammoth!. The way to remedy that is to balance syllable counts and create a balanced structure!. The only other thing I don't like is you partial rhyme at the end!. You are finishing up, tying it all together, and you need to finish strong!. All in all it was really good, but you need to fine-tune it a little more!. Overall, I rate it an 8!.5!.
Hope I helped!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I feel you have the makings of a good poem!. If you'd like editing suggestions, read on:
stars, not star's!.!.!."star's" means "belonging to the star"
"something's amiss", as in "something is amiss"
"Were you, my love, about to fall!?"
"But as a child I was heart, not mind, lead"
"I remember a feeling deep inside" or "!.!.!.deep within", but not "within side"!.
"I remember the soldier, he whom I need" or "!.!.!.for he is who I need"
"he plants the seed"!.!.!.if you want to use "he who plants the seed", use a colon after "remembering" and put it into quotes!.
Drop the comma between "together" and "our souls" and add "are" before "all"!.
"Remembering eternal loves we've always known"
Consider: "We're told hopes and wishes are just grains of sand"!.!.!.it shortens the line and says the same thing!.
and
"Nevertheless, our hearts know more than we do" or "Nevertheless our souls know more than we do"!.!.!.because the heart, in this case, is the same as the soul!.!.!.not as in "heart and soul", which means body and mind!.
The last line needs to be completely rewritten!.!.!.and I have no suggestion because I'm not sure which parts you want to save and which to change!.
A good draft, even if revised, edit a little more and it will be even better!.
!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com