Position:Home>Poetry> I have attempted a translation of a poem by Aragon. What do you think?

This is quite lovely; in a few places the English language has trouble capturing the simplicity of the original:

Comme ceux tres longtemps sur le quai d’une gare
Qui agitent la main apres que les trains sont partis!.!.!.

The French has speed and a rolling motion over the first line which is difficult to capture; you are right that `quai d'une gare' is impossible to translate without awkwardness!. I think, I would perhaps sacrifice faithfulness to write something like this:

Like those remaining long upon a platform
Who wave good bye after the departed trains
The wrist falters under the fresh weight of tears

In this case, I think Qui is more accurately translated as Who, than They; the reason is that this preserves the unity of the construction in French!.

For me, `die out' inevitably makes me think of dinosaurs; this is my subjective sense only; while I like falter, yours prettily conveys the sense of flames which can die out!.

For the next stanza, I would definitely retain the line break after `j'ai peur de toi;' it has such a sense of finality!. For brevity, I would also like to translate `j'ai peur de toi' as `I fear you,' and `peur de ce qui' as `fear what!.' `Towards' is a regrettably long translation of `vers,' but perhaps you do not want to say `by'!. More difficult is this:

Des gestes que tu fais des mots qu’on ne dit pas

The French line has great power because it is all monosyllables!. This would be far stronger, actually, if `uttered' went back to `said!.' I think it is important to maintain a pure rhythm for this line, which 'uttered' disrupts!. I am sorry I don't have a better suggestion!.

Finally, `take' is an interesting translation of the reflexive `donner!.' For the English, `the trouble to live,' this phrase has similar connotation to, `the annoyance of living;' it is much more weak than `le mal de vivre!.' I do not have good suggestions, but it reminds me of when Hamlet says, `the calamity of so long life!.' Nothing like this will fit here, but perhaps there is a looser translation with a better connotation!. For, `that is why I take the trouble to live,' I would perhaps borrow from Wordsworth's question, `was it for this/ that one, the fairest of all rivers, loved/to blend his murmurs with my nurse's song!?' and say with finality, `It is for this I take the trouble to live!.'

Congratulations for a beautiful translation; thank you for taking the time to make it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

For me, the only unnatural word is "dies!." However, it is probably central to the theme and should stay as is!. I like it sans punctuation!. It makes the reader pause at the proper moments!. Very good, to a sophomoric eye!.

I am now reading a compilation of war poems published in 1942!. The two editors are very proud of their Ivy League vocabularies!. They also, for me, shed a new light on many old poets!.

They both regarded a few poets who wrote one war poem to be great war poets!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

How about:

Like those who remain for long on the platform
Who wave farewell even after the trains have departed
Their wrist growing weak under the fresh burden of tears!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

Oh heavens!.!.!.what a magnificent poem!!! I'm breathless with this greatness!.!.!.I have no words fitting enough!.

The first I've read of this poet!. So many thanks for your introduction of his work to me!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---

Line 4 as I read, did not flow as well!. Line 6's reference to wrist seemed odd, as in waving while tears are falling!. The rest have a rhythmic beauty to them!. My compliments!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

---

---