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Question: Honestly what do you think!?
Remember what we were before!?
You'd meet me at the door
give me a peek on the cheek
hope your father didn't see
At the football games they would stare
When I ran my fingers through your hair
They're all looking but I couldn't care
You paid for my boldness with blood
They just can't handle two guys in love
I handed out a few black eyes of my own
Now they leave us both alone
After my track meet
I looked to see you smile so sweet
As sweet as you taste
A moment too precious to waste
It was late at night
We'd just had a fight
And it started to rain
What was going through my brain
Today I couldn't say
I took your hand and asked you to stay
You said you wouldn't have it any other way
But now it's a change of pace
You screamed at me and slapped my face
I wasn't sure what to do
At first I wanted to hit you
But then I bit you
Softy of course
Letting you know I feel remorse
I never ment to force
But why put up the fight !?
You know you're staying with me tonightWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I liked it!. I thought it had a complete story in it and it feels honest!. There are a few small things here or there that could use a little work!.
For one thing, I think breaking it into stanzas would help!. I started to be a little overwhelmed with the amount of information I had to process somewhere in the middle!. Stanzas would give more time to do that!.
The only other thing is that it seemed a little more wordy up front than at the end, kind of like you were settling into the rhythm of it as you went!.
I liked the off rhymes here and there!. They help break the tedium of the continuous rhyme scheme you have going!. Not that I didn't like the rhyme; you did a good job with it!. It just got to be a little gimmicky by the end, but that too could be helped with stanza breaks!.
overall, I'd say this is actually a decent poem!. Needs work, but it's not wholesale changes, just little tweaks here and there to even it out a little more and break up the content just a little for easier reading!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Awww sweetheart i think I would repost this!.!.!.Anyways I like it!. I agree with the first girl though it would have been easier to read if you separated it into stanzas!.!.!.I love that you got into a fist fight for your boyfriend!. And the ending is so funny I love a cocky attitudeWww@QuestionHome@Com
Completely disagree with Dezy, I don't think that this would flow as well if it was in stanzas!. It would disrupt the structure!. Perhaps the last two lines would work well separately though!. I do agree with her that the last two lines are good in attitude :)
I like the rhyming scheme, because it's not always regular and I think that makes for a more interesting poem - it's really hard to pull off, and it usually makes the poem come out messy, but not in this case!. I think it's a really good poem, well done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com