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Question: Please have a look!? Poem!.!.!.:)!?
Okay, this is the first poem in a long while, because my mom has been checking on me at night; makes it really hard to write in 'secret!.' Because I wrote different parts at different times, I feel like there's something missing!. Help me find it!? So far, I have this:
Trapped
I know so well that 'red' means 'stop,'
But the stabs, crimson, continue!.
On this page, the blood and ink clot,
To stain my fragile world anew!.
In my mind, a caste of hurt,
Imprisons my soul, now empty!.
Fierce, raw emotions rage and surge,
For daylight they will never see!.
In the dungeon, laughter and torture,
Spiral, mixed with the dank, gray moss!.
I will die here, of that I'm sure,
Crumpled beneath your broken cross!.
Can't tears wash away my pain,
Splattered cruelly on breathing tiles!?
Suffering, I will choke, insane,
Drowned in this blood, hatred, and bile!.
****
In my room lies venom, still fresh,
Accompanied by mangled flesh!.
Alone again, this time in death,
Illusions are all I have left!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Several stanzas drove me dizzy, some of your word combinations flustered me!. The first time I read through it quick, I shook my head, and squinted my eyes, and thought, "what," in a very slow way!. That could because I just woke up a couple minutes ago, or it could be that this poem is an emotional delirium that I just can't think up, even on my best days!.
In order for me to understand this poem I had to read it slowly!.
I did that and I didn't really enjoy any of it!. This one was just so dark, so dry, and so frankly uninteresting, I would never read it again given the choice!. It's like one of those poems, that is good, but never read, because it's so far gone!.
Your metaphors were grand, yet displeasing!. This poem hurt me after reading it!. I felt disgusted, and depressed!.
I give it
6!.8/10
I like dark poetry, I can like every type of poetry, but this one just didn't do it for me!.
Yeah,
It sounds much better with out that last paragraph!. That para!. should be in whole different poem!.
Reconsideration:
I hadn't realized you are only 14 when reading I though you were 17-30 years old!.
This poem surpassed the average writing ability for some one age!.
So I give it a 9!.0/10 if you really are just some 14year!. Most poems written by writers your age are inconsistent, and have no imagery to them!. Yours on the other hand always have a hint of articulate beauty!. You must be in honor classes!.
All I could handle at your age, was ryhming pet, with wet, and me with sea, and basic stuff!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Jesus, my holy one
Your grace subdues my arrogance
Your humility is thousand fold
Your generosity sustains me
When I hurt, you tell me to give
When I hurt more, you tel me to give more
The day I realized "Giving is salvation", I was born
I will live because you ARE
No pity, no envy, no jerousy, no resentment
I am free from my illution!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It was very, very sad!.!.!.!.!.but oh-so-deep!.
It's truth, and beautifully phrased!.
I enjoyed reading it!.
I can't find anything missing, however!. Sorry, I thought it was almost perfect!
Keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
man u r really good i like the the optional stanza cos it has death, the last stage in life,
at first i thought the astriex was a swear word lol!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sorry you are connected to much pain!. After emptying yourself on paper, maybe you can write beautiful poetry for your viewers!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i like it!.!.!.i can feel the sadness and revulsion!. the good part is the acceptance!. yeah!.!.!.!.!.i like it!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Awww, its pretty emotional but it fantastic!Www@QuestionHome@Com
yeah wasn't very erm happy lol, i like it, its a bit slow at the beginning, but it was goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
Very sad, but incredibly written!. All the words kind of click together!. It's great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
NiceWww@QuestionHome@Com
its nice but i don't anything about poetry or language artsWww@QuestionHome@Com
goodWww@QuestionHome@Com