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Question: New poem, any criticism is welcome!.!?
I am the King of sunny multitudes!
I see as I am supposed to hear
as a man who sees all
but in reality hears nothing
and I am of the man's flesh and blood
meaning Adam, and others as well
and I am also a weaver
of splendid hopes and dives
as only the true eye can see them
but I am not a selfish man
because I have seen
what others choose to ignore
and the riches of capitalism
disgusts me
and because of this
I am sure I will lose many loyal readers
who care more for their pockets
and vintage cadillacs than
whatever pathetic bum
they happen to jump the curb for
and I am flying midway in the sky
bound for San Francisco
for I have heard of many great occurences
and I'll admit
it has left me curious
but I still have the time
such is the gift of my dharma teachings
to admire the tiny sunflower in budding
and to pass out on the curb
and to be therefore arrested
for indecent exposure
only to be set free
and arrested again
for having differing beliefs!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's interesting!. I liked the last seven lines particularly because they are very visual!. But what precedes with the "I am this" and "I am that" seems very self absorbed, and that makes it hard (for me) as a reader to connect with the poem!.
I'm not sure, as a reader, why "the riches of capitalism disgusts" you!. It's not that I personally disagree or disrespect your sentiment, its just that it sounds like you are putting forth an argument or a position, and the conclusion doesn't seem to flow from what precedes!.
The other issue (or non-issue) is that the structure is really loose, and since it is so long it comes off as more of an essay than a poem!. I always suggest reading your work aloud and looking for where your natural breath comes to decide on lengths of lines and punctuation, but you have to do what works for you!.
Ultimately, you have to find your own voice!. I do think you have some interesting thoughts in there, and I hope these comments will be useful in refining your technique!.
Good luck!.
P!.S!. You said "!.!.!.any criticism is welcome" in your intro, but from your subsequent addition, it seems you were not quite serious!. I have read a bit of Beat Poetry and some Ginsberg, and I have to admit that I did not recognize the influence!. It's not really my area!.
All the same, if this is the style you want to develop, you might want to participate in a poetry slam!. I think you will find an appreciative audience for more of this free flow style of poetry!. There are always slams on the weekends in larger cities and some college towns!.
Good luck, again!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
1!. I don't think that can be conidered a poem!.
2!. Don't be so obvious and straight-forward!.
3!. I do not understand the poem at all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!. But!.!.!.!.(always that but)!.!.!.it is a little unclear!. Maybe instead of loyal readers, you could put loyal friends!. I think that would make the flow better!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Peoms should be short and snappy!. make you think about those carefully chosen words!. This one has too many words that nobody is focousing after half way!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Please don't post your drivil on this site and phrase it as a question!.
P!.s!. it was terrible!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
No offence but i dont really get it!. =S
i got dizzy while reading it =PWww@QuestionHome@Com
lol count how many times u used the word I ! how into urself are u!? lolWww@QuestionHome@Com
you have successfully mastered the art of a huge run-on sentence and the enter key!. sorry, that was harsh, but your lack of punctuation did bug me so much that got half-way through and found myself lost!. if you'd just put some commas or semicolons in, i don't think this poem would be as confusing!. you've got some good concepts here, they're just kind of muffled because your lines are so short and move so quickly from subject to subject!.
this is probably just me, but your first line was kind of startling :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
no proffesional experience but,
i think your mixing your allusions to much,
buddhism, adam, capitalism
just too much!.
You didn't break it up,
but i can clearly see three different parts to the poem and the transitions are weak!.
Like i said i can't really tell you whats right or wrong with the poem cause its your own, and from the second part down theres a kind of personal overtone, so i won't insult the rest!.
Look down if you want but you don't have to!.
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Be objective about the poem, look beyond your personal connection and feelings, see the obvious errors!. The flow, the language, the grammer, and the allusions, everythings too weak!.Www@QuestionHome@Com