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Question: Something's wrong with this poem!. Help!?
Something just isn't quite sitting right with me about this!. Suggestions!?
Bells chime and ring in their
Up-down sliding chromatics,
And their piercing tones and tambors
Make my heart
Nearly stage a jailbreak from its ebony prison!.
The flourescence of crimson flowers in my mailbox,
Their sanguine velvet petals caressing my skin
In a sweet aromatic embrace,
Heal me like rain on a sunny afternoon!.
But what of this fairytale nonsense
If meaning waits to be extracted,
Dug and ripped out from beneath layers upon layers
Of doubt, confusion, worry!?
What of it, you say!?
Well, hear me now
If you have ever opened your ears
to the reverberating harmonics of my voice,
Ever written hoping for wisdom,
Ever poured your soul out to me and waited patiently for a reply!.
What of it, you say!? Nothing!.
Just concentrate!.!.!.and find it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
If the manager says, "lay down a sacrifice bunt," and the batter hits a home run, it's hard to criticize the batter because he didn't follow instructions!. But if you want me to critique this, here goes:
When reading this aloud, I nearly ran out of breath with the last line of the first stanza!. After two more practice runs, I no longer had that problem!.
One might say that the language of the second stanza is over the top!. BUT IT IS SOOOO GOOD! It is eloquent and sensuous!. So if it ain't broke, don't fix it!.
The third stanza violently rips the reader away from the almost unctuous sensuality of the second!. My guess is that this is exactly what you wanted to do!.
There is a continuous, subtle increase of ambiguity in the first three stanzas!. You pull out all the stops with the fourth!. A great poem can be a mirror, reflecting back one's own background, emotions, experiences etc!. The last stanza and the final line are open to many different interpretations!. I bet if you, yourself read this once every year, you will come up with new shades of meaning each year!. How much richer a field for the reader!
And so maybe the only thing that's wrong, is that you think there is something wrong!. Only you can decide!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like most of what you have written!. It's nice!. There's only a little inconsistency that throws me off the flow that you begin with!. You start with ears!.!.!.hearing!. Connecting that to heart!.!.!.love and skin!. Great flow!. Then that nice flow is lost on me with the fairy tale nonsense!. The end flows with the intro!. Again, most of it is very nicely done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
the only suggestion i have is in the first paragraph dont say and their pircing tones and tambors, say
their pircing tones and tambors
i think this way is better because you are not saying ans twice in a senatnce!. other wise, are you a writer, cause this poems amazing!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
If something's bothering you, it is probably the unbalanced lines!. The syllables are off in some, and some are just so long wordwise, the look like they should be two lines!. I like the overall poem, but you need to split your lines!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
nothing is wrong with it is suppose to be one of those poems with 5 syllables
7 syllables
5 syllables
i 4got the nameWww@QuestionHome@Com