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Question: Are there any Vampires in our National Park's cave system!?
Clan Sanctuary
Into the WideWilderness
for days she had ridden
ever seeking hope
from Helsing to be hidden
When beast could ride
no more they halted
and for the night their
RoadWounds be salted
In a hollow cave
where legends grew
they took up camp
as light broke through
But they were not alone
in DeepWood home
for something farther in
began to groan
Figures began shaping
in the shades
making their way closer
drawing DarkBlades
And fear grew hot
in Lanett’s tight throat
as a terrible cry
above them broke
and the NightWalkers appeared
and Lanett lost hope
I think the title may give this chapter’s secret away… however it is okay because the poem is the more important thing!. Is this continuing the tale well or not!? I think it fits but I would love to hear your thoughts…Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I love the way this reads; it has the cadence of the galloping horse on which Lanett rides toward the sanctuary mentioned in the title!. The title is not only illuminating, but reassuring at this point!. The enigmatic figures "shaping in the shades" and the NightWalkers add so much to the mystery that still remains!. This is a wonderful poem in it's own right!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, that is amazing, that is so good! It's everything I look for in a poem, metaphors, gives visual imagery, not cliche, gives something to think about, really descriptive!.!.!. BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL POEM!!! It reminds me of mine, and you don't do stupid complete sentences either!. I love it!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
You have some good images in your poem!. You've used line breaks to make it abcb, but it's actually paired couplets!. Why!? because the lines are too short!.!.!.it's too choppy the way you have it formatted right now!.!.!.and if you bring the lines back up to where they'd naturally fall, you'll see that it really reads as couplets!. There are also several instances of word order reversals that make it sound unnatural (granted, your poem has "unnatural" subjects, but that's a different matter)!. I actually like the poem, but I think you're doing yourself an injustice with your choice of line length and breaks!.!.!.I also think that if you brought the lines back up, "then" made it rhyme abcb, you'd have a much better poem, it would be far less rhymy and choppy, and you'd have half as many rhymes to make!.!.!.which in turn would give you more opportunities to use the "right" word instead of the "rhyme" word and help improve those parts affected by your inverted word (not all inversions are bad, but some sound too forced)!. If you have many other parts like this, you certainly won't suffer from having too short a poem, and the more naturally it reads, the more people who'll read it!.
Again, I'm not saying it's a bad poem, I'm just saying you could improve it considerably by taking another look at your format!.
!.!.!.and keep writing :)Www@QuestionHome@Com