A final rewrite of this poem. Severely pared down, does it still make sense.?

Question: A final rewrite of this poem!. Severely pared down, does it still make sense!.!?

"lifetimes"

Bring me endless night
celebrate my suffering
my blackened eyes
The worst, yet to come
careless it may be
brought upon ourselves
engulfed in hatred
hopeless it shall be
fear weighs us down
regret lasts lifetimes
my haunted dreams
coming to life
One thing is certain
we are good as dead
worse than nothing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

I think when you go back through and pare them down it takes out some of the descriptive words!. It leaves the remaining part choppy and disjointed!. It is still understandable in places, but leaves me with a feeling of!.!.!.!.!.awww, I wish I could just put it back, you know!? Just try not to take away too much of the best parts from us my friend!. Thanks for sharing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It has heaps of emotion but it lacks deepness and clarity!. ( not that it doesn't make sense THAT clarity is great but its like you wrote it while looking through a dusty window, it doesn't have the whole story down!.) Like your other poems you spit out the main topic and don't allow your audience to use their brains! People that it doesn't make sense to wouldn't ever read it!!!!!! Other than that it has potential and it pretty but not yet great!. Work on it and enjoy it! Having fun with poems is numero uno! Hope i helped, good luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com

what sense!? do you think a poem shall make one and the same sense to one reader and another!? a poem's sense shall differ from reader to reader and the readers' shall differ from the author's!. of course it makes sense, although i think your poem lacks imagery!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

IT'S VERY CREATIVE BUT A TINY BIT OF ADJUSTMENTS TO THE FORMAT WOULD HELP A BUNCH THANKS FOR YOUR TIME!!!!!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

It rings clearly as a bell!. I think it says what the poet wants it to!.Www@QuestionHome@Com