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Question: The final rewrite for this poem, I have wrestled with it for a year!. Was it worth the effort!.!?
"forever"
Frail I am, but still desire,
old and wise, but God so tired!.
Dreaming of you lying next to me,
trying to figure, what not to be!.
Totally beat, no sleep tonight,
eyes burn red, I hold you tight!.
Sleep my angel, while you can,
Though I'm old, I'm still a man!.
Do you remember, words we said,
making our way into our bed!.
You dream tonight, I yearn for more,
not drifting off, not wanting a war!.
Swallow the taste, you craved so deep,
my bitter blood, promises to keep!.
Closing my eyes, a kiss good-bye,
you only roll over, no tears, no sigh!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Very nicely done Steve!. I know how frustrating it can be to work with something that long and not be able to close it out!. It feels like good work at this point, and I'm sure that is satisfying!.
One minor edit: S3 L4 feels like one too many syllables for your rhyme!.!.!.maybe cut the "a" before war!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Every word, every line, and every verse is eloquently and descriptively written with intention!. It is an exceptional poem, and I think would live alone or stand out in a group! It speaks the language of past, present, and future expressing either reality, resemblance, comparison, or analogy, and probably more!. A little poem to be so powerful! It was worth a year's work! Another beautiful love poem!Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is a superb poem!.
I am not sure if he or she is dying; living a loveless marriage; one is leaving in the morning!.
But the beauty of your words makes this seem unimportant and it would depend on what type of book you put together for it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
one word: very stunning! okay, 2 words, but the "very" was a crucial part of the description:)Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is good enough to include in a book, but as a single poem, will not play in the current market!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
very good
very warmWww@QuestionHome@Com
Wow, I'm not a poetry expert or anything, but that was beautiful :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
you know there some thing about you thats very interesting to me mabey its the poemsWww@QuestionHome@Com
Well done! I agree with Todd and Printninja on the suggested revision!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Todd, that was my thought exactly!. Cut the 'a' before war!.Www@QuestionHome@Com