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Question: HONEST opinions, please!.!.!. I've never really tried poetry before!.!?
I'm a good creative, techinical, and prose writer in general, but I haven't really attempted poetry much!. I'm 16!. This is just a first draft, thus I realize there is great deal of editing and fine tuning to do!. Does this have potential!? Any suggestions!? Please be honest!. Not cruel, but honest!. Thank you!. (It doesn't have a title yet)
My heart is bursting silently,
My body shaking, trembling- uncontrollably!.
My tears burn against my skin!.
My cries have no beginning, no end!.
God is the only one here now,
Understanding as only He knows how!.
I feel so somber, so lost,
With love taking its harsh toll and cost!.
But nothing can take this love away,
For I have planted it to grow and stay!.
Forever I will miss you and memory lane,
But love comes with enduring beauty and pain!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
the poem runs the risk of being boring as there are no details, no substance and no concrete examples given for any of the emotions you describe!.
the first stanza begins interestingly but loses its way!. How do tears burn against skin!? What do you mean by saying your "cries have no beginning, no end!?" Do you mean your tears!? Or do you mean you are actually wailing without end, which would be an impossibility!?
Love taking its toll would be enough - why its "full" toll!? And why add the confusing "cost!?" How does something "take" it's cost!?
The AABB rhyme scheme makes the poem predictable and tired!. Unless it adds a layer of poignancy, humour or authenticity (to a period piece, for example) then such a rhyme scheme is redundant!. Always ask "why," when using any literary device, and ask yourself whether the poem is improved by it, or damaged!?
However, you show signs of promise in your last stanza, where you inject a note of optimism!. This suggests you have a feeling for structure and are capable of "building" a poem by varying degrees!. A poem should enliven, disturb or challenge different parts of the brain simultaneously, and leave the reader wanting more!.
I hope you will not be too discouraged, and will continue to improve!. Remember, if your poem is to be successful it must be written in language that differs from others on the same subject, or else it loses purpose and individuality!. This poem recounts feelings of obvious importance to you, yet due to its pedestrian tone and language contains nothing to set it out from a thousand others!. With more precision and attention you can raise it to the standard it deserves!. Good luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
excellent
describes how you feel i imagine which is sad
next: i am a published poet and good poetry needs no editing if it does not come out right the first time put it away!.
your poem needs no editingWww@QuestionHome@Com
well i actually think its very good the beginning sounded just a little emoish (just a little) but in all its very goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
if it comes from the heart anything goesWww@QuestionHome@Com
"Enduring Love" - that's what i would call it!.
It's a really good poem! Keep writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
There is no potential!. Stick to technical writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com