Position:Home>Poetry> Okay, so I haven't attempted poetry in a while... I'm asking for brutal
Question: Okay, so I haven't attempted poetry in a while!.!.!. I'm asking for brutal HONESTY, please!.!.!?
I'm a good creative, techinical, and prose writer in general, but I haven't really attempted poetry much!. This is just a first draft, thus I realize there is great deal of editing and fine tuning to do!. Does this have potential!? Any suggestions!? Please be honest!. Not cruel, but honest!. Thank you!. (It doesn't have a title yet)
My heart is bursting silently,
My body shaking, trembling- uncontrollably!.
My tears burn against my skin!.
My cries have no beginning, no end!.
God is the only one here now,
Understanding as only He knows how!.
I feel so somber, so lost,
With love taking its harsh toll and cost!.
But nothing can take this love away,
For I have planted it to grow and stay!.
Forever I will miss you and memory lane,
But love comes with enduring beauty and pain!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
There's some great imagery here, and very intense emotion!. I would expand on some of the emotions here, perhaps through metaphor!.
If you're going for rhyme, meter would be good too, even if it's just erratic!. Experiment with punctuation and see if you can create the effect of sobbing by varying the rhythm!. A long, extended phrase, and then a sharp jerk back!. Jumbled and breathless!. And the rhythm of the poem could gradually become more steady and even as the speaker comes to their final realization about love!.
Try playing around with taking out unimportant words, like "my" and "its"!. It makes the words you leave in have that much more power!.
With poetry, you have to remember that in order to make a poem good, make it powerful, everything you do must have a purpose!. From the rhyme to the choice of words to the layout of the poem to the ordering of the stanzas - everything needs to either contribute to the message or evoke something from the reader, preferably both!.
On the whole - great, but definitely a draft!. This is a very emotional piece with a lot of potential!. I think you could expand some of the imagery, look at metaphor, etc, to make this poem even better!. Work on it until you KNOW it is right!.
Is it odd that the first line gives me the image of a water balloon popping in slow motion!? The elastic of the balloon rips apart, snaps back to its natural shape in tatters, and the water that it contained hovers for a moment in midair as if surprised before cascading down!.
Hmm!.!.!. okay, now I have to go write a poem about the sudden death or loss of a loved one using that image as metaphor!. ^_^ Thanks for the inspiration!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!. That is good!.
My only comment is that you shouldn't change the "style"!. Don't have all "my" beginnings in the first stanza just remove and replace them!.
i!.e!. "My heart is bursting silently,
body shaking, trembling- uncontrollably!.
The tears burn against my skin!.
Cries have no beginning, and no end!."
Just small details like that!. Other than that it is really good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow, that was amazing!!! i've tried coming up with poetry but never anything like that!.!.!. that was way goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
It's good!. Definately a good start!. The only thing I didn't love was lines 3 and 4 of the first stanza!. Those two lines sounded kinda cliche!. Other than that, great job : )Www@QuestionHome@Com
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
WOW, deep !
niceWww@QuestionHome@Com