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Question: Dark poem!.!.!.whats lacking/out of place!?
I command immunity from mortal pains
by the piercings of these heavy bat like wings!.
I summoned my nascent manhood
to destroy the shameful tears I once nursed
with the frictional heat from
long fringes of hair jostling my eyes!.
The teeming darkness in my head
multiplies, gets fed but never fails!.
I burn brilliant bursts of days on my body
to quell the numbing darkness of nights!.
The shades of bright red and blue
carved on deep canals of my arteries
carnalising the ghostly pale of my skin!.
I look above licking my lips in thirst,
yearning for the sky to relent
and fire lightning shafts upon my face;
quenching my insane addiction
to the drug its charges bring
that keeps me in this immortal high
till yet another new moon nightWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This is similar to your first draft!. I think you need a comma after "I look above"!. You say, "the shades of bright red and blue carved on deep canals of my arteries", but arteries are red, veins are blue, and "they" might carve themselves into canals, but they are not carved by the emo!.!.!.!.try making it present tense instead of past tense and say, "the shades of bright red and blue carve deep canals of veins and arteries!." Carnalizing is spelled with a "z"!.!.!.I looked it up this time because I thought spelling it with an "s" might be an alternate spelling!.!.!.but online dictionaries don't recognize that spelling!.
also, you mix present and past tense in your poem, this could be what is nagging you about it!.!.!."command", "burn" and "look" are all present tense, but "summoned", "fed" and "carved" are all past tense!. If you make them all present tense I think the poem would sound more consistent!.!.!.as in, "multiplies, feeds but never fills" and "I summon my nascent manhood"!. Oh, and one more thing, "I command immunity"!.!.!.did you mean it to be an oxymoron!? "Immunity" is given, a "command" is something you order, so the words don't "normally" go together!.!.!.you'd usually hear it as "I demand" immunity!.!.!.but "command" would work if you deliberately meant it to be in contrast with the norm!.!.!.just make sure that's what you meant!.
Having had time to look at this poem again, I must say that it grows on you!. I think changing the tense of those three words would make it do so faster, and since you're writing this for a contest, you might want to consider "faster" as "better" because the judges only have a short time to let it do so!.
Again, good luck with the contest!.!.!.and keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com