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Question: This is my poem!.!. Is it good!?
This is the gate to the new world
The sky is crimson red,
It is burning forty degrees of humanity
There, white tents are built!.
Famine, plague and wars became our today
This is the new world you insist to be
And there were days when you, the leaders, the wealthy and the rich
Shall gather and dressed
With mask and multicolored eyes!.
Laughing and dancing around a starving boy,
Who waited his death on a vulture’s beak!.
Is this the new world you described before!?
I could only see refugees in their own homeland
Falling skyscrapers and the starless sky behind the midnight curtain
Where could they be!?
Did they fall in to the space between earth and its death!?
Where on this wounded earth, from far away
I could hear shooting guns and rifles!.
They are all brothers!.
Waging war on humanity!.
This is the broken gate of the new world
!.!.please be honest but constructiveWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I like this - but have some recommendations: I agree with the other reviewer on the tense problem in the 2nd stanza, & recommend something like: And there were days when you, the leaders, the wealthy, the gloating, gathered and dressed" (etc!. - wealthy & rich are redundant - they both mean the same thing, when you could add another pithy adjective - "bloated" would work well here, but hey, it's your poem!. I have a problem with stanza 4, because it starts with Where, but doesn't end with a question mark, nor does it ask a question!. If it's a continued thought from the line above, there needs to be a comma between 'death' & 'Where' - Otherwise, it might/should go like this: "where on this wounded earth, from far away, could I not hear!.!.!."
Please forgive me for being preachy or teachy - just trying to be honest and of genuine help!. This is a good poem
I don't mean to be preachy or nagging, but you asked, after all!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's amazing!! The only thing I would ask is if you should change the part where it says -
"And there were days when you, the leaders, the wealthy and the rich
Shall gather!.!.!."
I think that "were" is used in the past tense but then the word "shall" implies the future!. That was the only thing that I could see!.
I really liked this! You are very talented!! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
its kind of confusing when you say "new world"!. because i dunno if you mean the future or the past because later on you say "!.!.!.became our today" but um, other than that, its really creative!.
btw, heres mine: http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/!?qid=2!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its really good!.!.!. But is the world really so bad!.!.!.!. hmmm!.!. i think not !.!.!. of course 50 years from now may be !.!.!. but if we the youth of today decide to change that and say "NO" to war!.!.!.!. peace awaits us and the cracked door can be fixed!.!.!. :))Www@QuestionHome@Com
You've got good imagination!. But don't be too direct about humanity and such things, you've got to express yourself in symbolic language!. and I suggest you pay more attention to rhythm!.
Good Luck!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Yes, YES!. This is very good!. And I don't say that often!. I always wished I could write poetry like that!.
Nice job!.
Answer mine!?
http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
its goodWww@QuestionHome@Com
i love it =)Www@QuestionHome@Com