Position:Home>Poetry> Does this need more?
Question: Does this need more!?
I Have Written A Poem For You
It hurts me
that you sound lonely
lonely in that letter you wrote me,
just a few short words
black ink on white paper
but they are like piano wire
wrapped 'round my hands,
heavy historic weights hanging from them
unrepented
It is not crippling
this burden I carry
but this sadness is deep
and it slows me sometimes;
I still have some seconds from my finite life
to offer you!.
I'm specifically thinking the two lines come too soon, more required, or does it work as is!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I reckon more required in the second stanza!. It's looking good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It does appear to be two separate poems!. You can split these into two, or add some sort of connection to the second!.
It's heavy -- the poem speaks of sorrow, and you have written both well!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Have-to-be-your-call!.
It-stands-as-written,-but
can-be-continued!
I-would-probably-leave-it
alone,-or-else-it-might
continue-too-long!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I liked the second stanza!. The first started strong but the piano wire and weights did not work for me, but that is just me!. I did get your intention though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's almost like two separate poems, both good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com