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Question: Do you find YA poetry critiques useful!?
This is a revised version of a little effort I submitted a couple of weeks ago!.
Thanks to considered feedback from contributors to this site, I think I've come up with a better poem!.
Further comments welcome!

MERCURIAL

lithe as lightning!
the sun's first child:
see the quicksilver god
slip glimmering closer;

then, through a changeling's magic,
he is fiery angel,
swift as an arrow flying
through the seething air;

quick now -
before the moment dies -
hear the speed hiss from wing-tip
as he sweeps past this blue and cloud-swirling world;
and as he glances into our dreams,
feel your soul licked -
just once -
by the heat of the sun;

then eluding our human grasp
he's gone,
through fire and barren air,
tangential as a comet, never to return:

for soon he splits the endless dark
hurtling through the cruellest cold
leaping over the billion seconds
racing the sun to its grave!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
A pretty good poem!. I'd add an "a" before "fiery angel" though!. There are a few odd lines!.!.!.maybe I'm just tired, but parts don't come through for me!.!.!.like, "just once by the heat of the sun"!.!.!.yet this "thing" is not the sun, it's on its way to the sun!.!.!.and, "tangential as a comet, never to return"!.!.!.only comets "do" return, so you might want to modify the last part of that line!.!.!.something like, "but never to return"!. Finally, "leapng of the billion seconds racing the sun!.!.!."!.!.!.it's just too much a stretch for me!.!.!.because I can't fathom what a billion seconds and distance have in common!.

but it reads well for the most part, and there are some good lines!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com