Position:Home>Poetry> I have chopped this as miuch as possible. Very personal poem. Is it good.?
Question: I have chopped this as miuch as possible!. Very personal poem!. Is it good!.!?
"scars"
Bitter tears,
my pale face!.
Awful memories,
behind lace!.
Secrets buried
deep inside,
Things I hoped,
to never find!.
Things endured,
to survive!.
Vile, horrid things,
I was five!.
The truth screamed,
I went hoarse!.
Priest said no,
no remorse!.
My whole life
long slow suicide!.
Drugs and booze
can I cry!?
Blood and Pain
I could feel!.
Scars left behind,
will never heal!.
Sometimes,
one way left!.
Say goodbye,
to hell with the rest!.
Burns, cuts, scars
deface my skin!.
My stigmata,
Does the end begin!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You write great dark material!. Would you consider a transition into the Light!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
I didn't read your first poem, can't comment there!. I agree with Todd!. The only additions I would make are: first verse lines 6 & 8- words inside and find do not rhyme!. also, third verse, last line, 'will never heal' could be 'are slow to heal' or will 'sometime heal'!. This would show faith and hope of recovery!. If you accept Todd's suggestions, which seem good, the last three or four lines on the last verse would need some word changes to make them flow!. However, if you change your poetry and you don't like it, you only have yourself to blame!. My advise is for you to weigh out each answerer's suggestons!. If you feel that it enhanses your poetry, do accordingly!. If it doesn't, keep it the way it is!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow you did chop this down!. I seem to remember it longer!. The content is of course emotional so it is often hard to tear into the work without dealing with the memories!.!.!.so bear with these few comments!.!.!.if the suggested edits move too far from the emotional truth of the piece please ignore them!.
Here goes:
S1: Has a good cadence and flow!.
S2
L3: You could cut "things"
L5: I love this line!.
S3
L2: You could cut "long"
S4:
L1: You could cut it entirely!.
L4: This feels like one too many syllables here!. Maybe "to hell with all"
L7-8: Strong lines!. Good ending!.
So very minor suggestions!. I hope they help!.
Best,
ToddWww@QuestionHome@Com
This is excellent, tells so very much in the least of words!.
The first stanza could stand on it's own, I was drawn to the words,"Things I hoped to never find!." Kudos!
"Does the end begin" It seems life does have many new
begnings in life it self!.
But for what your poem senses lets hope it is an end to that
abuse!. BlessingsWww@QuestionHome@Com
You know how good I think your "dark ones" are and why!.Keep going!.!.!.one day you may heal!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like it!. It emotional and truthful!. Its good :)Www@QuestionHome@Com
Steve, it is not ruined, it flows nicely and it's good because it's true!. But, it doesn't seem as much you when you chop it up like this!. I think you should write the way You write, not the way other people want you to!.
But it is really good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com