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Question: A rewritten poem, chopped and diced!. Is is good!.!?
"life/death"
Riding along
dead of night!.
lines of courage
ingested , no light!.
Noise from the trunk,
one ugly sin!.
Two grand the price,
cheap human life!.
Owed, begged and pled,
to no avail!.
Driving to death,
his final trail!.
The trunk got quiet,
I put him to sleep!.
Butt end of a gun,
not even a peep!.
You play and you pay,
even on Father's Day!.
The Escalade,
rolls to a stop!.
Dude in the trunk,
wish he was drunk!.
I raised up the gun,
said what the hell!.
Blam,Blam,Blam,
barked the forty five!.
I called out shotgun,
I don't want to drive!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
You did chop it a lot didn't you!. I still see the point because I read the other, you left out the son this time!. It seems a bit choppy, but doesn't detract from the the message, just makes one read it with a staccato beat!. Overall, good, with an aside!.!.!.the lines of courage are cocaine!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
scary a++++Www@QuestionHome@Com
umm!.!.!.!.thats creepy but good i like itWww@QuestionHome@Com
No offense, can't determine whether it is bad or good, because I am still trying to comprehend it all!. I am not sure who is in the trunk, yet!. However, I would suggest riding along in the dead of night!.!.!. don't quiet understand the meaning of - lines of courage!. I think it must mean there was not enough courage to bring sensible light on the situation as to do the right thing!. The man in the trunk begged for his life, but the driver thought to cheaply of human life, and of course paid, if not in jail, in his mind!. I think the driver killed the man in the trunk!. I think I hear what you are wanting to say, but the poem is not clear enough for me to comment further!. (Maybe I am tired!.) However, I do know this poem expresses a bad situation!. I just wish it was written a little clearer or with better flowing rhythm!.Www@QuestionHome@Com