Position:Home>Poetry> Poem critique: all in my head?
Question: Poem critique: all in my head!?
If you could only see what I think
My thoughts would be grand
The way every sound sings
Like the melody of a band
I can’t express to you in mere words
How I truly feel
I can’t tell you what they’re worth
Only that they’re real
That they call out through my soul
And reach the brink of my reality
Wanting so much to be in control
Clinging close to my personal qualities
You probably don’t get what I’m saying now
But that’s okay, to be honest neither do I
I just write what I feel, for what I feel is so loud
There is really no need for me to lie
But one day soon
I’ll brake out from my shell
And I’ll be able to tell and show you
What’s hidden beneath this gray veil
So you can know
And you can see
The portraits that my heart holds
And all of my dreamsWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Alright that's it I can't keep reading this or my head will explode from sheer amazement!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.you've blown my mind!!!! lol
Short and to the point, the first 4 lines are very good and rhyme but the rhyme is quite nice and doesn't feel forced or stretched!.!.!.!.the whole first verse is quite good!. One suggestion if I may: instead of " I can’t express to you in mere words" maybe "In mere words I cannot express" as this seems to flow easier and starts off with a prepositional phrase which is always nice imo!. And it doesn't mess up the rhyme scheme!. ;-)
The 3rd and 4th lines of the second verse are what's sticking out!. To critique it, I would say change them!. They feel like just words and not poetry (I hope I don't sound to harsh sorry!!!)!. Perhaps "probably don't feel what i say to you now and that's just fine cause i won't try" which adds some mystery to what you're talking about!. And you said you liked AiC a bit so that is very Cantrell/Staley like lol (did you know Jerry wrote down in a hole!? weird huh since Layne had the suicidal issues)!. Plus it rhymes with I, so keeps the flow!. Just my thoughts :D It is lovely, yet sad!.Www@QuestionHome@Com