Position:Home>Poetry> Umm, could you please tell me how you like my new poem?
Question: Umm, could you please tell me how you like my new poem!?
'Someone not there'
face so pale
mouth so dry
do you wish to speak
do you wish to try
hands are shaking
breath not there
fingertips gasping
for poisined air
numbed body
from the silence
black & blue
from the violence
ears ringing
tongue tied
you reach but fall
at least you tried
waiting to be found
for someone to care
you cry out in pain
to someone not there
do you think it's too short!? is the title ok!? what could be changed!? does it make sence to you!? =] thank you so much!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I like the rhyme scheme!. Really, since it feels like free verse, I really don't know what to say about the amount of content!. I think whether or not you should add more is entirely up to you and whether or not you feel you communicated the message you wanted to send!.
I would perhaps recommend the use of punctuation!. So many "poets" think punctuation is some sort of evil, it's not!. It would help with this poem to guide the reader and let him/her know where to pause!.
All that said, I will recommend that you might want to add one more syllable in the line "from the silence" it's rhyming couplet "from the violence" has one more syllable!. I know there was probably no intention to make them equal, but it distracted me!.
Overall the poem was well written, especially for Yahoo Answers, and I especially liked the parallel lines in the last stanza with the "someone!."
Good Job!Www@QuestionHome@Com
i think it is wonderful poem it reflects a special talent , yes it is short but it is wonderful like Mona Lisa painting it is a small paint as well as it is one of the most famous masterpiece in the world!.
but i have some advices like changing the word "try" to cry" when you said : "do you wish to speak do you wish to try"!.
i don't have any experience in poetry but as a reader i think this poem are very elegant and touching!.
Good Luck
eliasWww@QuestionHome@Com
The poem was written well and very well structured!.
With that said, if you would like to change it, perhaps you can make it a bit more complex!. I don't think you can change it much without rewriting the whole thing!. It feels as good as it can be for the current layout!. I would probably add some more unique words and imagery!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Good job! My only comments are that you put lines 1 and 2 together as one, by adding a comma after "face so pale"!. Do the same with the rest of the poem as well!.!.!. and you definitely need to use punctuation!.!.!. commas, question marks -- especially after asking a question!. use this forum's spell check every chance you get -- "poisoned" is spelled wrong!.
As for length, it's fine!. A poem should be as long or short as you feel it should!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow!.!.!. very um depressingWww@QuestionHome@Com