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Question: How does this flow!?
DreamCloud
Forsaken in the hollows of a dream undreamt
the reason for my sanity has left without a note
So I will move on without the love gift that was meant
reading only letters that I myself have wrote
In a daydreamed fantasy, hollow and alone
without a place to lay my head to continue its flow
wishing to my goddess queen I could go home
but going back the same way is to find a place unknown
I am trying for a different feel and flow and I wish to know how I have done with this one!. Don’t know what it is about but I never do until a few days after I have written them!. I think there are some grammatical errors but without them the thing wouldn’t rhyme!. I know that not all poems must rhyme but it is nice when they can! Pleas, I wish to know your thoughts!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
For rhyming poetry to flow properly, it should have a rhythmic pattern or meter!. The syllable count on each line should blend to make that rhythm!. As I read this I can't find a steady rhythm!. You have run a gauntlet of syllable counts from 11 to 14!. I am going to paste a short piece as an example of what I mean!.
There is a lady, old and gray, down by the railroad track!.
She says she has a home down there!. It is a cardboard shack!.
The frame is made from lumber scraps, picked up along the way!.
Each wall is just a cardboard box that someone threw away!.
The roof, a piece of rusty tin, beside the track she found!.
Her cookstove is an open fire, her couch is just the ground!.
Each line has 14 syllables made up of 7 iambic feet!.
the ROOF a PIECE of RUSty TIN, beSIDE the TRACK she FOUND
The caps show the stressed syllables that make it iambic, and set the pattern!.
That's the way I get my words and lines to flow poetically, I hope it is the explanation you were seeking!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
pretty good, but I did have to work at the rhythm, it's sort of unorthodox but it works pretty well
maybe the 2nd line can read like "the reason for my sanity left without a note"
maybe you can get read of 'So' in the 3rd line
and maybe it can be " I will move on without the gift that love was meant"
maybe you can get read of 'have' in the 4th line
Good Stuff! Great poem!Www@QuestionHome@Com
I'm not sure I understand it!. Use metering if your gonna rhyme; Counting the syllables!. I think you could work on imagery and making what you mean clear!. Or at least, continue with a strong theme!. Sorry for such criticism, I really hope you keep writing and I would like to see what it looks like if you keep working on it!. Again, sorry if it seems harsh!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i would like to reread this after it's completed!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's good!.!.!.I would change wrote to "writ" (poetry verson of wrote)!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it's absolutely wonderful and would not change a thing!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
The strangest thing is that the only place where the poem loses just a touch of its flow is in the phrase "continue its flow!." It's not by much but that's what I hear, maybe I am just being perverse!. Irrespective of your disclaimer, "have wrote" has got to go!. For the sake of rhyme, you have sacrificed just too much!. Everyone will stop at that point and react in some way - whether it is a grimace or smile, or a spasm of reverse peristalsis!. It doesn't matter, it's just too heinous and you can't get away with it!. I do not even have to refer this matter to the Board of Directors of the Poetry Section, Division of Egregious Solecisms, for I know what they shall say!.
P!.S!. If you can't figure out what this poem means after a while, ask me and I'll explain it to you, in my customary bombastic, yet loving manner!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I liked the first line, I thought that went great!. After that, I wasn't quite sure!. Seems to be too much going on in too condensed a space!. So, I would mostly suggest, to start, by breaking up the lines a bit more!. I just am not sure what it's getting at by the end because it seems to read more as a stream-of-consciousness type of thing!. That's not necessarily bad, just makes it harder to follow!.
The word flow, however, does seem out of place especially because the off-rhymes kick in after that!. I would suggest cleaning those up a bit as well and actually making them proper rhymes instead of partial!.Www@QuestionHome@Com