Position:Home>Poetry> I'm obsessed with Cleopatra VII, I write poems about her. Is this one ok?
Question: I'm obsessed with Cleopatra VII, I write poems about her!. Is this one ok!?
Here's a poem about Cleopatra and her father (The Pharaoh) hiding in Rome and receiving the news that her older sister Tryphaena is dead!. Tryphaena had earlier tried to kill Cleopatra and their father so that she could be Pharaoh!. Instead, Cleopatra and Pharaoh fled to Rome to seek help from Pompey!. Here's the poem!
She watches the messenger
as he hands the scroll to the Ex-Pharaoh!.
He reads
Expressions flowing over his face
Pained
Because his firstborn is dead!.
Gone to the afterlife,
Proud
to be ruler of Egypt once again
Proud of his friends
Strangling Tryphaena, his lazy firstborn,
Who screamed for help
While putting on her slipper
Cleopatra returns!
Hauling her drunken father back
to sit upon the throne once more
knowing that Tryphaena
no longer threatens!.
Like it!? Give me opinions! Thanks! also, any title Ideas!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Dang your good!
Maybe for title----Pharaoh Once Again!.
You are much better than I am at poetry---but perhaps I sparked another thought for you!Www@QuestionHome@Com
yes, i do like this poem!. just keep reading on the history of Cleopatra!. I'm sure you'll come up with more poetry!. how about Cleopatra returns!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wait, you're in love with a dead Egyptian princess!? F*ck, and I thought MY mind was messed up!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Hope you don't mind another critique !.!.!.
I think this one is a lot more compact than the other one, but in a good way!. I would suggest breaking it into two stanzas only because it gets a lot denser after the line "proud of his friends"!. It makes it look a little uneven and with the short lines in front of it, it would slow the reader down a bit more and allow for a closer reading of the last section!.
The line "Cleopatra returns!" only bothers me because it feels so heroic and triumphant with the exclamation point!. That would, actually be a good stand alone stanza in itself and would, again, serve to slow the reader down a little!. I admit, I might be a little nitpicky on that though!. Personal opinion, especially since I had all exclamation points hammered out of me very early in my writing education!.
The language isn't bad, per se, but there are times when it goes a little wonky or gets a little long-winded especially late in the poem!. Again, you could probably be a little more concise with it!. (Thesauruses are a poet's best friend, honest)!.
As for a title, I would suggest something like "The Flight of Cleopatra and Pharaoh" which not only tells you what it's about, but helps give context for the events!.Www@QuestionHome@Com