Position:Home>Poetry> For the Severn River Assoc. Magazine What do you think?
Question: For the Severn River Assoc!. Magazine What do you think!?
Tell me if this is rubbish!.
The Severn River is,
(should be)
an artery
pumping a life-force through Maryland
refreshing the Chesapeake Bay!.
Its pulses speaking to us of times gone by –
When deer, black bear and wolves roamed free!.
Its majestic presence was there
before the advent of man!.
And will be there long after we are gone!.
But, whilst we are here
We have a duty of care
To ensure that the river survives
Alive!.
Not as a dead, polluted watercourse,
in which the yellow tench is
a rare, exotic species,
spoken of only by old men
in their dotage!.
But as a vibrant centre of
pleasurable activities -
fishing, sailing, swimming
skimming stones on a warm July day!.
Not as an open sore
where the water is dying
from oxygen starvation
and ground-water run-off
overstuffed with nutrients!.
Water-borne diseases abounding
Confounding our desires
To take pleasure there!.
Don't swim, don't fish, don't drink!
Don't wait - it is later than you think!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I do not think this does your writing skills justice nor the river's!. Most of the lines are common and as such becomes just another cry to clean up something!. To me, I would challenge you to find something unique about this river and focus on!. Something as simple as: "today I caught a tennis shoe" to start the poem!. Enjoy your holiday, the muse will surely bite!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Anything that gets people aware of water conservation is a good thing!. I grew up in Santa Monica and California for years treated the ocean as a giant toilet and garbage dump!. Hypodermic needles and other medical waste and high concentrations of fecal coloform made it impossible to swim in the ocean there!. this was only in the 70's!. So yes, please I hope they publish that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
LIKED IT - Hurrah!! - spoken as a true earth sprite - we must voice our opinions on earth preservation - whenever possible!. A minority is only a pin prick - but a "bunch" can cause damage!. THANK YOU - The image of the rivers being the "arteries" of the earth is well said!. If the arteries get clogged - the body will die!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Hmmmm, I'm not a Brit, and I use whilst on a regular basis, always have, so don't worry your sweet little head over your language, I happen to love it!.!. Whilst we're on, I liked your sentiments greatly, and want to say unto you, that it is quite good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
As a direct descendant of those who once lived near and on that river in Maryland!.!.!.and saw it as it once was, my thanks!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
You have some good images in this poem!.!.!.but you need to be careful about using archaic terms that are anachronistic to the voice of your poem such as "whilst"!.!.!.do you use that word in everyday conversation!? If you use "while" will that diminish the message of your poem!? also, be careful not to put a period at the end of a phrase if you're going to carry on the phrase into the next line, as in "!.!.!.advent of man!. and will be there!.!.!." also, try to avoid redundant phrases such as "!.!.!.rivers survives alive"!.!.!.if it survives, it's alive, so you may want to delete "alive" or say "stays alive" instead of "survives alive", and you may want to use either an elipses or a semi-colon after "alive" so it flows better into "not as a dead!.!.!.", because it's obvious that "that" phrase carries on from the one before it and only needs a "pause"!. You begin a few phrases with "not as a!.!.!.", and that makes punctuation more difficult!.!.!.so you might want to drop any punctuations at the end of a line completely!.
Other than that, it's okay!. It seems momre of a prosaic article with poetic phrases than a poem in prosody, but there is a fine line there and it is up to each reader to decide which way it falls when it's this close!. I certainly wouldn't call it "rubbish" :), I'm just not sure it provides the emotion you wanted to evoke with the way it was written!.
!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com