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Question: Is this poem any good!? Any suggestions for improvement!?
I remember being born-
my mother’s body
expelling me,
screaming with rage
and covered
in the white stickiness of birth!.
I wanted to stay in those dark
waters;
In the stillness of floating
and weightlessness,
and the quiet, rhythmic sounds
of bodily functions
functioning!.
Here,
the lights are too bright-
they flood the rich darkness
of my imagination!.
The noises
are too intrusive;
they are as insistent as a child
screaming for attention!.
Yes, I remember
(or at least I’ve convinced myself so),
and maybe that’s why
as a child
I turned off the lights when I took my baths
and held my breath
under water
for as long as I could-
To pretend
that I was that peaceful
once again…Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I remember being born-
my mother’s body
expelling me,
screaming with rage (verbal confusion!?body screaming with rage!?)
and covered
in the white stickiness of birth!.(who is covered!? your mom's body or yours!?)
I wanted to stay in those dark
waters; (the word stay can be improved)
In the stillness of floating
and weightlessness,
and the quiet, rhythmic sounds
of bodily functions
functioning!. (functions functioning does not sound very good)
Here,
the lights are too bright- (this is not the best way to say this good thought)
they flood the rich darkness
of my imagination!.
The noises
are too intrusive;
they are as insistent as a child
screaming for attention!.
Yes, I remember
(or at least I’ve convinced myself so),
and maybe that’s why
as a child
I turned off the lights when I took my baths
and held my breath
under water
for as long as I could-
To pretend
that I was that peaceful
once again…
(the ending's beautiful)
:)Www@QuestionHome@Com
It sounds lovely and meaningful - the last bit, after the "Yes, I remember ", sounds a little weird though!. Depending on your age, that could maybe be rewritten to end a little less sounding like a depressed or hurt person!.
What about ending with something like:- and when my face came to the surface , with the warm water streaming through and stroking my hair, I rebirthed to start the new day, cleansed and ready to take on the world!" To achieve my ambitions etc!.
You've done well with the first, so you'll write it with feeling!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Remember once!.a baby born!.
My mothers bodys pain!.
Exspells me with a scream!.
The rage
The streagth!.
The pain!.
The womb was dark
A loving place
Let me stay in there
Let me be at grace!.
A floating silence breaks the air
And waters pour no more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Really great describing! Normally people can't capture an essence describing things!. You did that very well! So I give you kudos for a strange but awesome poem!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sweet, and very nice but I think you should have some longer "verses" because there are quite a lot of one lined ones!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i think it's perfect, it's well written and paints an interesting picture!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Pretty!. Sounds like you don't like the outside world, though!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I like itWww@QuestionHome@Com