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Question: Poem critique: and you dont have to believe!?
You always were
The holder of my mirth
The giver of my happiness
You were the cure
When I felt so insecure
When I felt so full of nothingness
Now you say my words are in vain
That they are evil and they decieve
But can you really feel my pain!?
And hurt me in my time of need!?
I don't know whats gotten into you
And why you're hurting me
I'm really getting sick of you
And you don't have to believe
Another word that comes out my mouth
For your nothing to me now
I'm giving up the bond we had now
Never have I
Felt so much hate and despise
For someone who I loved with all my heart
Maybe it's me
It could be jealousy
My thoughts are all skewed apart
I'm tired of all these selfish games
I'm sick and tired of you
You've crucified my very name
I'm telling you the truth
I'm fed up with your ignorance
And your stupidity
I'm glad that I am through with this
Because you've sawn a bad seed
That would've grown into a toxic rose
The poison in the blood I bleed
So you don't have to believe
Maybe you're to young to understand
The pain that can be given by a man
Maybe I was wrong
For telling you from the start
You're no longer apart of me
You're free to go if you wish
No need to start trying
To understand all of my sullen bliss
So go on and believe what you like
For I will be alright
But the bond we once had has gone out of sightWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
your waffling back and forth with your train of thought, and it confuses the reader!. also, the beginning of each line doesn't get capitalized unless it's a new and separate train of thought:
for example, would you say "you always were!." as a real, full sentence, and then stop!? Would you say "The holder of my mirth!." as a full sentence, and then stop!? No, because people would look at you like you're crazy!.
Next, you need stanza breaks!. The first should be put after line 6!. Stanza breaks give a resting place for the reader's eye, that indicates the end of one thought, and the beginning of another!. You can either stick with the thought in the first 6 lines, because you say she held your heart, making it a poem about love!. If you do take out all the stuff about hate however, it will end up a rather short poem!.
Now because I see the majority of the poem is about love gone sour, stick to that theme if you want -- stick to how her rejection made you FEEL deep inside!. For example, "now you say my words are in vain" should read "I feel my words to you were all in vain"!. The deeper your poem's sense of sorrow becomes, the more focused and readable it becomes!.
As a poet myself, those are only a few thoughts!. your poem really needs work!.!.!. Like I said, stick to one idea throughout, and remove any lines that don't fit!. also, your word "sawn" is wrong!. it should be "sown"!.
And last of all, try a different title!. If you make it a love poem, try "I Believed" if about love gone sour, try "Once I Believed"Www@QuestionHome@Com
Don't have to believe what!? I think it's a lovely poem, it demonstrates genuine creative insight which should be cherished!.
I wrote a poem about my willy once and asked for a critique on this very website, only to be berated with a tirade of hateful scorn!. I'm now beginning to divert my attention to my latest work, a ninety seven volume epic novel about a sixteenth century toad and his adventures to the New World where he wees on sheep and sleeps with sausages!. I wish you luck!.Www@QuestionHome@Com