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Position:Home>Poetry> A rewrite ...Black Wings Redux. hope this is great.?Question: A rewrite !.!.!.Black Wings Redux!. hope this is great!.!? "back wings redux"
The half hour of reckoning, judgement is now here!. Hold me close in your arms, chase the day away!. Protect me with your black wings, Always remember me!. Softly as she takes my hand, leads me to her room!. Mistess of so many, beholden to just one!. needle tracks on my arms!. Our engagement is forever!. But it's never consumated!. Mornig dawns, ashen sky!. My demon becons me!. Stubling into solitude, an eternity of decay!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: hmm, let's see if I can help with a little of the confusion, if I can separate the layers like I used to!. I may have lost a little of my concentration lately!. She is not a demon, she has black wings because she is a drug called heroin, which is black, hence the black wings and the tracks on his arms!. also the "engagement" is forever because you never get over an addiction to the drug, it is a lifelong struggle, so it is never consummated, so to say!. That is why she is Mistress of so many, because so many are addicted, but she is "beholden" to just one, "the devil" in other words!. When morning dawns, His demon beckons, which is, the addiction, and he stumbles into the same pattern all over again, which forces a solitude, an "eternity" it seems to him until he will eventually die of either overdose or some other effect of the addiction!. Did I get close Steve!? And it is a good poem, even with the typos and a few disjointed sentences here and there, that just adds to the sense of confusion shown when someone is in the throes of heroin!. And no, I've never used drugs, just seen a lot of people who have!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Okay, second stanza!. The two lines don't flow right with me!. Unless you make it clear that there is a seperation, it takes away from the poem!. TYPO!! =3 Mistess -> Mistress!. Another typo! Stubling -> Stumbling!. I like it!.!.!.kind of all over the place though!. I don't really get a clear message or connection from this!. =/ Kind of confused!. Make everything connect!. I get lost when you start talking about a female!. Where'd she come from!? Is she the demon!?!? Is she the one holding you!? Where did the needle tracks come from!? idk =/ my opinion!. X3Www@QuestionHome@Com A gauntlet of answers, adoring, a couple of critiques by some ex spurts, even a teeny bopper text messager, but give the points to Poe!. She nailed this one with a 5 pound hammer, and I agree you did well with it!. Addiction is usually a confused state of mind along with the other problems!.Www@QuestionHome@Com You have a very good gift, always remember that, keep up the good work, and the poem that I posted is meant for you as well, you are a great poet!.Www@QuestionHome@Com wow!.O!.o its dark and upsetting!.!.!.!.I LOVE IT!!! i can imagen the gurl with the black wings but she is in anime!.^^ and u r too!. idk y !. but i do^^!. i love it alot!!! keep writting!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com Feels clumsy and confusing at times!. I want to like it and I see that it could become a poem I would enjoy a lot but I think it needs some fine tuning!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |