Your thoughts on this little poem, please?

Question: Your thoughts on this little poem, please!?

exams=writer's block, and i'm getting frustrated at not having time to write!. What do you think of this one!? (discovered in a notebook from 2-3years ago)

The gentle rain falls down, falls down
The stream dances, a rainbow shines
In the light and airy spray
Rays of golden sun trickle down from the sky
Between the pale and fluffy clouds
Leaves sparkle like gems in the dawning light
Jewelled water-drops crystallise a web
Of spider’s thread that sits between
The fingers of an oaken tree

The raging rain beats down, beats down
The stream’s a flood, and lightning strikes
Illuminating cloud-black skies
Howls of screaming wind tear up the air
Beneath the darkly looming clouds
Leaves ripped from branches by its breath
The web is gone, the threads all snapped
The tree knocked flat by the storm!.

(c)Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Ignore Duke who thinks that poetry should rhyme, for goodness sake!. It's OK, but it's simply a description, tells us nothing!. Too many adverbs!. It's a beginners poem, not bad, but not good either - keep writing, you'll get thereWww@QuestionHome@Com

I like the structure, in which the second stanza lines echo those of the first, with violence supplanting the calm idyll!. (By the way, Duke, did it not occur to you that this exact effect would have been impossible in prose!? Tosser!.)
I would suggest a revision of precise vocab: I think you can do better than "trickle", "breath" and "illuminating" in this context, and perhaps the final line is a little too abrupt!. Perhaps some punctuation might help the flow!.
All in all, a sensitive and vivid sequence of descriptions, and an effective poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I love the line 'fingers of an oaken tree'!. If a massive oak tree is someone's hand, how big is the guy! And what happens when he stands up!

"Rays of golden sun" sounds like a reference to the Sound of Music !. !. !. but I love the idea of a ray of light "trickling down"!. Yummy!

Because a trickle of water running down the trunk of an old oak tree *does* reflect the sparkle of the sunlight and sunlight *does* pour down from the sky on a hot day, like sparkling warm water pouring out of an enormous bucket!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I liked it, but I wonder if you should consider changing "dawning light" because you have said the sun was golden!. Maybe "tawny light"!?

I think it's still a poem even though it doesn't rhyme and the lines are different lengths!. There's a good rhythm to it and it suggests more than it says!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

If you had told me you wrote this recently I would have said it was brilliant!. Now that I know it was written a few years ago I am sitting here thinking, 'how much better can she be now!!?'
I can see you were then a very gifted poet
You have only grown in your art since I assume
I think I would love to see more of your latest work soon!.!.!. that is if you get the time to write!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I think this is a fantastic poem but!.!.!. you need to add more puntchuation like: !'!?/"() and you need short,sharp!.snappy and sweet sentences eg!.There was a halt or There was a sudden end something like that but over all it was an enjoyable poem to read!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

Very picturesque and somehow sad and lonely!.Beauty destroyed, by what!? Another, darker emotion!? Makes me curious to learn more!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like the irregular rhythm as it reflects the changeable and unpredictable state of weather and conflict - resulting in the inevitable!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's OK, go through and change some words with more adventurous vocabulary ( such as 'fluffy' and 'shines') then it will be a good poem!Www@QuestionHome@Com

This certainly took me back to days in Michigan!
Love rain, the sight, smells, sounds and feelings it invokes!.

Thanks for recollections of those memories!Www@QuestionHome@Com

The poem is okay, but it doesn't make me feel the rain!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Interesting!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Its good i write poems and i know good i will be publishing mine soonWww@QuestionHome@Com

it seems that this writer's block of yours is a tough cookie to crack!. or maybe it was just tended to the wrong way!. alternativelly yet, you might have spilled out enough emotions and opinions writing poetry and have consequently drained your imagination!. but more of this another time!. in this poem you seem to have noted something sad, that you linked indirectly to yourself!. either that or you were trying out contrasts!. =P

The contrast idea is great! i might be slow but it took me a few 2/ lines to figure out you were using them!. =P
what you technically did was rewrote the lines in a darker tone, right!? !.!.!. although in that case i don't see why the 1st stanza has 9 lines and the second one 8!. apparently you missed the dark hue of water!.
"!.!.!.tears of hatred lash the /web/, the /net/ is gone!.!.!." (note: /change/ ) could fix it!. other than that, there's some rythm miscalc on my side again, some missed !.!.!. erm!.!.!. ending syllables, but it's not really anything of great relevance i recon!.

P!.S!. - thumbs up to kaeline!. not sure weather you like what s/he says but i can't help but agree to most!. <=)Www@QuestionHome@Com

The gentle rain falls down, falls down
The stream dances, a rainbow shines (the word shines isn't that revealing, you can improve it)
In the light and airy spray
Rays of golden sun trickle down from the sky
Between the pale and fluffy clouds (the word fluffy doesn't sound that nice)
Leaves sparkle like gems in the dawning light (is the sun golden at dawn!?comparing sparkle to gems is over used)
Jewelled water-drops crystallise a web
Of spider’s thread that sits between (overstatement in the words spider and web)
The fingers of an oaken tree

The raging rain beats down, beats down
The stream’s a flood, and lightning strikes (a cliche, you can change it)
Illuminating cloud-black skies
Howls of screaming wind tear up the air
Beneath the darkly looming clouds (overstating taht the clouds are dark)
Leaves ripped from branches by its breath
The web is gone, the threads all snapped
The tree knocked flat by the storm

(try reading the imagery of japanese haikus, they're great, and they'll give you some nice ideas)Www@QuestionHome@Com

Sure!. Constructive Criticism!.!.!.It's a very good one, a straight line!. You use many poetic devices, and it lacks none for images!. The falling tree is the hook, the climax!. Did it get knocked flat!? Really!?
The tree is oak!. That's what I get from the first stanza!.!.!.since the poem is about the tree!. And it's not understated, in a way it's invisible, because it comes along at the end of the stanza!.!.!. That doesn't feel right!. Maybe it's me!.
Make the poem about the tree!. What's the tree doing!.!.!.leaves are ripping and the web is gone!? In other words, look at the tree in the middle of the storm!.!.!.BE the tree, a trunk, the bark, the roots!.!.!.say everything you can say that the tree is doing and feeling in that instant it is falling!. Show, don't tell!.!.!.the writer's creed!. I like the night/the day imageWww@QuestionHome@Com

Well, you've called it a poem, so by definition it is crap!.

Just skimmed through and the lines are irregular lengths and don't rhyme!.

The rhythm is all wrong!.

You have actually written a short story, not a poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com