Position:Home>Poetry> PLEEEEEAASEE will you comment on my poem: "Daydream"?
Question: PLEEEEEAASEE will you comment on my poem: "Daydream"!?
Daydream
I gazed into deep, endless skies
And infinite wonder struck my eyes!.
Floating, floating, the ground behind,
A bullet of fear shot through my mind!.
Dangling, dangling, small as a fly,
Sitting on a pinnacle of sky!.
So sick, can't breathe, and 'bout to drop,
The world's whirling, twirling, like a top!.
Sickening, dizzy, all a blur-
Grown wheezy by its whiz and whir!.
Falling, falling, with limbs outstretched
My bluish dervish keeled o'er and retched!.
One existence so soon erased!.
My body plummets, palms upward faced!.
Thin line we walk, ever so toy'ed-
Devoured, devoured, a speck by the void!.
-swoosh
Comments/ Critiques!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I have watched your work for some time!. I have seen you progress from writing in what I would rate as 5 to 7 of 10 to 9 to 10 of ten!. You have improved greatly, and I think it needs to be said!. This poem is exceptionally easy to read, has cadence that is pleasant to hear and read, and has nice rhyming that flows well from line to line!. Now that you have improved so much, we will expect great works from you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I always look forward to one from you!. I never know what to expect!. This can be about a marijuana high, being a passenger on an air plane, flying a kite, or a whole bunch of other things!. It's outstanding element is its rhythm!. In regard to which:
"bluish dervish" sounds clunky!.!.!. but it's funny!
Try "palms upturned" or "palms up-faced" instead of "upward faced!." Does one of them fit the rhythm better!? also, I wouldn't mind your own interpretation of this, not that you would, of necessity, be right just because you wrote it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Fascinating and so well written! The meter and rhyme are perfect!. But it is the imagery that is brilliant and created with such imagination and clarity!. The title is illuminating!. This whirring fall, "palms upward faced", into the mouth of the void can take on many meanings!. It really has my mind "whirling, twirling, like a top"!. Wonderful!. Thank you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It is a very nice poem!. At first I thought it was about a fly, and wondered, then I backed up! It has a poignant, but wistful note to the piece!. Almost as if the writer wants to be in the void, but then doesn't!. Thanks for sharing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
this is great but at the 3rd & 4th verse it kinda lost me i liked it never the less!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's very good!. I would recomend that u continue writing!Www@QuestionHome@Com
its amazing!. great job!!Www@QuestionHome@Com
How old are you Swoosh!? asked Granny petulantly!. What's with the teenage PLEEEEEEAASEE!?
Loved this, unlike others (ie Dondi) I haven't been around long enough to see your poetic development!. But, I have seen enough to know that this is up there with your best!.
Your rhyming is impeccable and the rhythm of your lines too!.
And despite this there isn't the abrupt end-stop that often accompanies this!. It really does flow!.
And you haven't spoon fed us!.!.!.!.each verse brings with it a debate!.!.!.could this mean this, or does it mean that!?
(I'd have spelt whizz and whirr like this, but my dictionary says both spellings are acceptable)
I like bluish dervish
palms upward raised (!?)
toyed is okay - no apostraphe required - as in the Gods toyed with us!.
I must admit this reads more like an experience of over indulgence of alcohol from my youth than a day dream, but, hey, it's your day-dream!.
Flippin' well done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com