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Question: Todd's Challenge - a Dorsimbra!. Have I succeeded!?
I didn't know whether the Sonnet four lines had to be Shakespearean in content, or in form - so, this may be incorrect, as it is far from medieval!.
Football Crazy
So loyally, Sundays, I'm watching you
As you career round the pitch like a fool
Thinking that you're one of Beckham's crew
It's pathetic, when you think you're so cool!.
Admit you're well past your sell-by date!.
A footballer you are not!.
Fat, fifty, fagged-out and beered-up!.
But then you are all that I've got!.
Your face looks like beetroot in vinegar
Your lungs are making a harsh rasping sound!.
You're daft, but my love is steadfast and true!.
So loyally, Sundays, I'm watching you!.
(This is autobiographical - from a few years ago - man, it was so cold on that touch-line)
I hated having no rhyming in the last stanza so I cheated a bit!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
This really made me laugh!.!.!.and as t'others have said!.!.!.
The "Your face looks like beetroot in vinegar" line just made my day! It's sheer class!.!.!.
Emmm!.!.!.
3rd line in on the first stanza!.!.!.
Should that read!.!.!.
"Thinking that you are one of Beckham's crew"!.!.!.!?
"you are" rather than "you're" gives iambic balance,
(optional Aussie accent on the next two words)!.!.!. I reckon!.
Apart from that, and you succumbing to the rhyme in the last stanza, I think you've ticked the boxes!.
1!. A Sicilian quatrain (four lines iambic pentameter rhymed abab),
Check!
2!. A quatrain of “short and snappy” free verse
Check!
3!. A quatrain of blank verse (unrhymed iambic pentameter)!.
Check(ish!)
Great work, love it!.!.!.
D
(",)
!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Beetroot in vinegar!.!.!.I started laughing, matters not if the lines rhyme now! lol I refereed a soccer game once of over aged kids!. It was hilarious, until a guy with an English accent almost took my head off on a rocket kick from the 18 yard line! Yes he scored, and more importantly impressed the heck out of everyone!. He was a flatbelly though, but gray!. A nice piece of writing!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I love the "beetroot in vinegar!." Yes, it has to be Shakespearean, but I'm just enjoying what you've been writing today and to the Inferno with any minor errors!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Well you did cheat (but I hardly think that calls for being pushed down stairs)!.!.!.I love
"Your face looks like beetroot in vinegar"
As far as the content it's interesting and original!. As far as the forms go I'm getting a few syllable bumps here and there but that could just be our regional dialects not playing nice together!. A more general issue is the need for S2 to be a little more crisp and sped up!.!.!.less syllables and more punch!.
I think it's a good first attempt though--very creative!.
Edit: You know I've been reading through the second stanza!.!.!.it may be snappy enough as it is!.Www@QuestionHome@Com