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Question: Opinions needed!?
I know its rough , and needs work , any suggestions are welcome
-What i really ment to say-
its the tip of the tongue
that stops the words
i know it is
the enemy
you look at me
and give a grin
i know you now
I know you see
The subtle battle
sitting on a sink
with a dumb expression
harsh words
in my throat
fight for possession
of this single day , this present moment
to lay waste
but my damned tongue does not give way to this
because it is petrified
to
do what it feels
and
feel what it feels
to
loose its control
over time and over life
but your delicate grin
it lets go
ready to exclaim
but stops short
the pain is real
it settles to stay
i bite my tongue
because I know you now
because I know that grin
and a bottom-line resonates
I mean to give you nothingWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It is a very interesting poem!. I'd correct the misspellingin the title though!.!.!.it's "meant"!.!.!.not "ment" :)
I also note that you use the lower case "i" in most of your poem!.!.!.but that you use the upper case "I" when the voice becomes more self assured!.!.!.was that intentional!? If so, it could certainly be used to effect!.!.!.if it was accidental, look at the places you've used each case and decide if you want to exploit it to best effect!. I usually tell poets who use the lower case "i" that it's a misspelling of a one letter word, but in your case, there is a "reason" to use the lower case "i" in some areas and the upper case one in others!. Poetry needs to be deliberate, so take a look and decide for yourself!. Your lack of capitalization (except for the single case of "The") could also be used to effect!.!.!.but I'd suggest you start out the poem with the first letter of the first word capitalized and use all the run on lines in lower case to show a flow of words and emotion!.!.!.but anytime you stop and start again, use the upper case letter to begin the word!. One example of a good place for this would be "I bite my tongue", because it starts a new sentence/thought following "it settles to stay"!.
Nice poem!.!.!.a little touch-up here and there and it will be even better!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com
First, you should change the word ment in the tittle for meant!.
I think that were it says this single day, this preset moment instead of a comma you should split that up in 2 verses!. There is something about this line I don't like!.
"but my damned tongue does not give way to this " It is too long compared to the rest of the verses!. I don't like the word damned, i think it would sound better without it!. also I would have written the 4th stanza like this:
because it is petrified
to do what it feels
and feel what it feels
to lose its control
over time and over lifeWww@QuestionHome@Com
Very nice expressive i give it 10/10 !!Www@QuestionHome@Com