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Question: A poem to critique!. and criticise!.!?
"your soul torn to pieces"
Her most precious magic potion,
amourously pungent!.
Leaving me most lifeless,
anasthetic traces of vulvic scent!.
So when she has performed,
her satanic task on me!.
I feed upon her radiance,
proclaimed the whore of hell!.
Now knowing my lifelong process,
protected by hell's Cerberus!.
Perversion I myself have never seen!.
pulled towards the dark hole of her sick mind!.
Her life I took and stole that night,
in the hopes our souls joined more!.
Her eyes a carbon, grayish desert!.
once an innocent virgin blessed by God!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
The poem is dark, the word usage is pretty good, but you have mixed tenses!. If you say, "Her life I took and stole!.!.!.", it means the poem is in the past tense!.!.!.but you earlier said, "So when she has performed"!.!.!.it should have been "So when she had performed!.!.!.", "I fed upon!.!.!." and "Then knowing my lifelong!.!.!." also, her "radiance" would not be proclaimed a "whore of hell"!.!.!.she might, but not her radiance, so there's disagreement there that needs to be resolved!. I'm not sure that "!.!.!.a carbon, grayish!.!.!." is a good word combination!.!.!.if you say, "her eyes, a gray, carbon desert" you might get away with it, but not the other way around!.!.!.and in poetry, "ish" is too weak a suffix to use effectively!.
interesting piece!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com
In total, you've probably written about a thousand sex poems!.!.jeez are you really THAT lonely!?
Someone needs to get LAAAAIIIDDDWww@QuestionHome@Com
wow,, sir,, thats the best one I've read today by you!. I have a question though,, is she your who're from hell!?!? =DWww@QuestionHome@Com