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Position:Home>Poetry> Anyone care to comment or critique this poem for me?Question: Anyone care to comment or critique this poem for me!? Remains
Tearing at my mind; Shards of the past Sharp Cold as ice, pierce The darkness where Slumber’s ship sails On without me!. Holding yesterday’s flowers They come shrouded, Ushers to thoughts of Things long Buried and forgotten!. Old vampires come To suck away What little remains of The night and a soul Seeking only peace and rest!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Some of the line breaks seem a little awkward and the last stanza seems out of context with the previous two stanzas that were really quite nice!.!.!.when you use the word "vampires" it tends to cheapen an otherwise mature poem!. Some editing suggestions might be to avoid cliche phrases like "cold as ice"!.!.!.just say "Ice"!.!.!.like this: "Shards of the past Sharp ice piercing The darkness where!.!.!." There is a brittle sound to "sharp ice piercing" because of the repeated "P" and "C" sounds!. also, watch out for isolated short phrases like "things long"!.!.!.I understand the need for a line break, but the phrase looks naked!.!.!.it needs something a little more!. Finally, in the last stanza, consider something that parallels "slumber's ship sails" and "Shrouded flowers" (the word "shroud" also applies to ship's sails)!.!.!.maybe, "Old winds come to blow away what little remains!.!.!.!."!? !.!.!.In any event, a nice start!.!.!.keep writingWww@QuestionHome@Com Sleepless nights, I like the line Slumber's sleep sails on without me!. S2, a beauty, "Stuff" to keep us awake Sometimes anchor is lost and we drift or enter in "the perfect storm" I like this poem very much, thank God I have not had a night like this for a long while!.Www@QuestionHome@Com hmm!.!. this poem goes like EVERYWHERE!.!.to one thing to another!.!.like all random lol i like it tho!.!.but i cant seem to put image in my head!.!.!. i try to imagine what your saying but wen it tries to pop up in my head!.!.!. it changes !.!.idk lol its an ok poemWww@QuestionHome@Com Disturbingly good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com That is good!. I like poems that have a rythym to them!.Www@QuestionHome@Com That sounds just like my sleep pattern!. Do you stay under my bed or something!?!?!? LOL!!!!!! nfd?Www@QuestionHome@Com |