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Question: First Draft of Poem!.!.!.opinions needed!?
so this is my first draft!.!.!.i know it still needs punctuation and im pretty sure there are some grammer mistakes but do you like the idea!? how can i make it better!?
The lambs
The children lose their innocence,
Turning clean minds to dust
Thoughts of hatred are dence
Including lying, killing and lust!.
How can this happen
To these angels living on earth!?
They need some help, but who and when!?
They are losing their heavenly worth,
As each little piece of sand
Falls through the deep hour glass!.
Soon there will be no peace on this land
Souls are turning black,
People are losing all class!.
When will this nightmare be complete,
I don’t know how much longer I can last
With all of this deceit
So someone please come rescue me fast
Why do I have this strange feeling!?
Am I the only one who can see!?
Why don’t I have a way of dealing!?
Oh, this can’t happen to me!
Why don’t others recognize
the rain becoming a flood
Why can’t they see behind reality’s lies
And helpWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Wow!.!.!.I would say that for 15 you are a pretty deep thinker!.!.!.thats AWSOME!!! & Beautiful!. I am amazed in the sense that you see what I have been seeing also!.!.!.its the dawn of AWARENESS!.!.!.anyhow!.!.!.as to your poem!.!.!.I thought it was intense & great!. I suppose if I was to offer any criticism I would say everything is just as it should be!.!.!.if you wanted it to flow a little easier!.!.!.kinda read it with a tune of harmony and then re-arrange the wordings to fit your own beat!.!.!.for poetry is music and harmony to & from the heart-spirit & soul!.!.!.Peace!.!.!.and KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!! & WORD!. Everyone should know these words and feelings that you have shared!.!.!.soon!.!.!.I believe there will be more & more good people who share this way of thinking that will begin a new approach to living & giving!.!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
a haiku!? 5-7-5
not sure you thought of this!.!.
white souls turning black
hatred turning inside out
bleeding thick black blood
I would like co-authorship if published or anything!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
almost brought a tear to my eye!!!!!! It reminds me of a poem by Hafiz!.
Zen Winks
Everything is clapping today
Light, sound, motion, all movements
a rabbit I've passed pulls a symbol from a hidden pocket
zen winks
this causes afew plants and I to go nuts and start grabbing each other
someone sees this calls a shrink
Tries to get me comitted for being to happy
listen, this world is the lunaticsphere
don't always agree it's real
but even with my feet upon it and the postman knowing my door
MY ADDRESS IS SOMEWHERE ELSE
if you are wondering i'm 13 years oldWww@QuestionHome@Com
That is really good!. Is shows a good message to!. We live in a world were people will call or e-mail companies about things that break, but don't take the time to comment on the good!. Children are around to many fighting parents, & go through to much stress when parents get a divorce, especially those old enought that have to "Choose" which parent to live with!. I know I have had a rough life, & I'm only 14, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!. Keep sending the message, maybe one day life will change for the better!.
Please feel free to read my poetry, thoughts, & just about me at poetrypoem!.com/harper
Please leave positive comments, Thanks! :)Www@QuestionHome@Com