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Position:Home>Poetry> How can I improve this oddly structure poem?Question: How can I improve this oddly structure poem!? LIVING MEMORY
In the dead of night your face comes into my sleep eternally lost!. Recall becomes a dream!. You elude me always!. What did I do wrong, is loving a crime!? Before the dawn comes I will sing the song I wrote, trying to hold on!. My love, we're forever!. Memory keeps you here, a shadow of your former self, of me!. I'll remember you, though you can touch me no more!. I can live with that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: This is excellent!. The message comes through beautifully and the variations in the structure lend strength to the poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Structure wise, free verse or perhaps uniform stanzas!. Word wise, pare down like S1L2 "your face enters my sleep" etc!., Drastic but starts to change your voice and style would be something like S2: Recall!.!.!. an eluding dream!. Is loving wrong or a crime!? To me it reads well, editing should be on your terms!. Overall, well done!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Wonderful, lyrical I espically like the line, "Memory keeps you here" "Though we touch no more!?"Www@QuestionHome@Com This one is very powerful!. The form, with its uneven line lengths, gives your readers time to reflect!. Here, you have placed things expertly, making sure we know when to stop and go!. I love it!. TDWww@QuestionHome@Com You could try converting it to a quintuple acrostic, but even that would be hard pressed to improve upon perfection!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I would leave it as is!. One of the few really good poems I have read on here!. Nice work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com Why would you try to improve it a poem is just feelings!.!.!. You cannot improve upon feelings!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I think this is beautiful as is, you have a talent I long to possess!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |