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Question: What do you think!?!?!?!? I REALLY need some constructive criticism!?
I like this poem/song (haven't decided yet) but I think it could use some tuning up if you would be so kind as to help me =]
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For one desperate moment there you crept back in her mind
Now she can't breath
And she can't sleep
She can't believe you did her wrong
She keeps looking for a sign
That you miss what you've left behind
She didn't want to believe it
But now she knows
That maybe she's your darkness and now
She's telling herself that you never loved her anyway
Now she can't breath
And she can't sleep
She can't believ you've done her wrong
If she could,
Honey she'd give you her world
And all you ever heard her say
is how much she loved you
Now you've got her looking out for love
And she's so afraid of the way she feels
She used to be so strong
Now she can't breath
And she can't sleep
For one desperate moment there
You creep back in her mind
And she can't breath
Now she knows
That maybe you're her darkness!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Hey, that was really good!.
However icant really notice a rhythm happening!.!.!.!.
antways it awesome!!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!.!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com

that is so beautiful GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Www@QuestionHome@Com

I really like it! :]Www@QuestionHome@Com

I really love it!.
You have an undeniable talent!.
However, i would change the lastish line!.
"That maybe you're her darkness!.!.!."
I think it could be more of a powerful statement, such as!.!.!.
"Now she knows you are suspect of the horror she calls her mind!."
or!.!. "In the back of her mind, she knows you are the darkness!."

IDK!. But great job!. Keep writing, and good luck!
Oh, and if you have time, look at my poem!. :-)

http://answers!.yahoo!.com/question/index;!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com