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Position:Home>Poetry> Its a poem again constructive criticism only please, what do you think?Question: Its a poem again constructive criticism only please, what do you think!? In the darkest depths
Of my riddled mind I have no time For what I seek to find A glimmer of light fades to dust As the hands of death Reach out to grapple With my last breath Hope once as bright as day Now crushed to ashes In the cruelness of my life Of never ending smashes Shattering my faith Into deepest disrepair In my existence of Utterly unbearable despair not sure about this poemWww@QuestionHome@Com Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: i liked it, well doneWww@QuestionHome@Com I hope you take the following as constructive! I think you should beware of slightly awkward or illogical metaphors!. For instance, in the second stanza, the idea of light fading to dust is a bit jarring; the image of light as dust doesn't make sense, really!. also, I'd suggest that you try to avoid very common metaphors or phrases which come across as cliches; eg "bright as day", "darkest depths"!.!.!. Be careful not to betray your motifs too!. In the second stanza, Death's hands are reaching to strangle!.!.!. but in the last stanza you describe your experience as "shattering"!. This is a little incongruous, because the strangulation motif is mixed with (betrayed by) a smashing/shattering image!. Overall, I understand that the poem is about heartbreak or suffering, but because you use so many common or formulaic phrases, it loses a personal voice!. Maybe if you focus less on strict rhymes, and more on making sure the poem is personal, original in turn-of-phrase, and fluid in motifs, it could be improved!. Fair play to you for putting your work up for criticism!. Hope you keep in mind that we're only giving opinions!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I intend this to be constructive, but it may not be what you would prefer to hear!. There is nothing at all in your poem which says why anyone else should have any sympathy with your feelings here!. They merely appear self-obsessed, and without reason!. The language and imagery are cliched and hackneyed!. The meaning and semantic flow are obscure!. The entire work can be summed up by the single sentence: I'm feeling a bit miserable!. You need more than this to make a poem, and a lot more than this to engage and hold a reader's attention!. Remember, the reader will have problems in his or her own life, so you need a darned good 'hook' for him to want to spend time reading about yours!. There needs, I think, to be some kind of 'echo' between your feelings and the reader's own experiences, and right now, you don't have that!.Www@QuestionHome@Com I like the content of your poem but I think it would have a bigger impact if you drop the rhyming words and replace or re-order them so the poem will flow even without rhyme!.Www@QuestionHome@Com i like this poem!. i can relate to it!.Www@QuestionHome@Com a little simplistic, but if that's what your going for then great!.Www@QuestionHome@Com |