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Question: Does this say anything of worth!? Can you help me better it!?
Lachrymose Untamed
F a l l i n g F e a t h e r s
---All singed with thirst of relief
-----Drifting decadence, unleashed
She sang a song to me
I never thought
I knew
but
All I could ever do
was hope to hope be true
I am turning in the halo of prizes
Unwarranted
Unwanted
Filth
God despises
All I’ve ever done
All the worth, supposed have won
I cannot take the pain of sin
when my sin
is you
I wish for a fallen throne
beneath the viaduct of the sacred stone
A fallen life begin
Shaking off the ashes
I step down cloudy stair,
not willing, I be thrown away
from lofty golden lair
I will take the leap of faithless torn relief
I have forfeited my worth
to give our love
New Birth
And my wings are burning from my grief
(c) Siren, Blessed BeWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
Oh, my fallen angel,
did I burn your wings
when passion's flare
ignited between us!.
Sweetling, dearest daughter,
prey to the magic
of what is a
beautiful sacrilege!.
You have not
forfeited your worth,
you have exchanged your angel's wings
for the hand of one who loves you!.
Though now,
you cannot fly,
is my love
worth the exchange!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
Wow this is such a glorious poem with your feeling coming thru to the reader loud and clear!. A fallen life begins shaking off the ashes !.I love your poetry as they are so real to the core and smooth like satin with their beauty !.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I see you are exploring deeper into the realm of poetry!.!.!. i will answer more later!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think one of the worst ideas ever expressed in a popular song is "You're nobody 'til somebody loves you!." And yet we've all felt that way in response to romantic rejection!. Every line here is tinged with that emotion, beautifully recapitulated in the last four lines!. You are blessed, at least with an ability to express these feelings so well!.
Comments:
At first I was confused by the meaning of the first line, because of the format!. I thought it was a subtitle!. Did you mean to format it the way it is seen!?
Choose "begins" or "began" instead of "begin!."
It would be better to have more than one "stair" because it's a long way down from the clouds to the ground!. I don't want you to get hurt!.
"I be" puzzles me!. It is a usage that is heard in this country almost exclusively from African-Americans, which is fine if that's what you want, but it's the first such usage that I have encountered in your work!. Did you want to bring our attention to that!?
What does the "(c)" mean!?Www@QuestionHome@Com