Can you help me improve this poem?

Question: Can you help me improve this poem!?

BETRAYED BY LIFE

You were gone
before I could save you!.
So bright,
and radiant,
you left the world!.

You did not
leave me
holding a memory!.
There is a void
where once your light!.

We made love,
we made joy!.
We made,
against God,
creation!.

But you fell prey,
not finding the fountain,
that it seemed
was your lips
on mine!.

Your name
was the name
of sorrows,
but you transcended
your personal curse!.

You, darling,
brought me life,
but life could only return
what it eventually gives
to all!.

You were gone
!.!.!.before I could save you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

There is sadness, yes, but also a tint of hope, expressed in the knowledge that the one who left, may yet find his way!. The one this is from should have known that we cannot save everyone!. It almost seems to me she (assuming her female) was not wanting to save the one she writes about, but rather was searching for her own salvation, hoping it to be in them, but knowing that it never would be!.!.!. this is all my own conjecture, and we both know how wrong I can be!. The mastery of your poetry is, we can see our own lives reflected inside, regardless of your muses original intention!. The connectible is what makes this very special to me!. I cannot allow myself to grow sad over this!.!.!. I have been sad for so long that it has become a comfort to me!.!.!. and as far as helping you improve this, that, I will leave to those who know what they are talking about!.!.!.

Blessed Be & I!. Love!. You!.

SirenWww@QuestionHome@Com

Problems here are mostly grammatical!. Fix those and you're singin!.

Stanza 1 - bright and radiant are redundant!. Find a word or an image you can DEVELOP and EXPAND - the story within the story - to deliver the punch!. Try, too, for more in the way of juxtaposition http://en!.wikipedia!.org/wiki/Antithesis since you're celebrating someone dead!.

Work it throughout the poem so that you provide the reader a clear and haunting METAPHOR, carefully and subtlely lit like sunlight on water, if you will!. Dapple and dazzle us with a portrait of this person!.

Here are some helpful tools, guides and examples: http://pokerpulse!.com/news/viewtopic!.php!.!.!.
See Tips from the Masters here, too http://pokerpulse!.com/news/viewtopic!.php!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Excellent and poignant!. Critique, line 5, stanza 2 "where once you light" didn't understand!. If I am reading the last 3 stanzas correctly, then he dies either by suicide or illness!? Could, I suppose, also be that he left!. Transcending seems to me to state that he is overcoming the curse, yet in the next he is taken, goes or dies!? Hard to follow, perhaps me!. This is a keeper and one that makes you think as you read!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

before I could save you!.
So bright,
and radiant,
you left the world

holding a memory!.
now is void
of what once was your light!.

Next verse is good!.!.!.don't change

Falling prey,
lost the fountain
your seeming lips
on mine

Your name of sorrows
transcends
your personal curse

Darling!.!.!.!.
you brought me life
life returns what it eventually gives

you were gone

before I could save you
before I could save you
from yourselfWww@QuestionHome@Com

You got tons of great advice on the answers!.

Poetry is best heard aloud so one thing you might want to do is to record yourself reading it or listening to someone else read it and hear how it rolls off the tongue and possibly make minor changes to smoothen it out a bit!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

hmmmm, lemme think, has deathe in a metophoric way all right, dats pretty good!. if ur in2 emo poetry u should hav described things beter, lik blood and gore, and how his mangled body lay, and HOW DA FCK DID HE DIE ANYWAYS!?! lolz, if u were more in2 romance, i think dats just right!. ur prety good like me, keep up da good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

How infinitely sad!. You WERE joking about offering suggestions for improvement!. I may be egotistical but I haven't lost touch with reality!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Needs no improvement!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I LOVE IT!. Nothing should be changed!. It's good!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

i think it is perfect and shouldn't change
anything it is one of the best poems i have ever readWww@QuestionHome@Com

your poem is wonderfulWww@QuestionHome@Com

HELL THATS GOOD!!! lol no improvements needed there!.!.!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is improved!.!.!.!.!.!.lol
very nice:)Www@QuestionHome@Com

i cant save ice cream either!. :)Www@QuestionHome@Com