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Question: Yes another poem!!! still very rough!?
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By Georgia Hammond
As I was walking down a dark, half-deserted street
Suddenly from behind came a cry so sad and sweet
I stopped and the cry came again, more clear and much more blue
I spun around and followed the noise, again the cry, it grew
I turned into an ally, and first thing I saw was red
But I looked closer and it was a bird that looked half-dead
Perhaps it was a seagull or perhaps it was a wren
You could not tell, far too much blood, the bird it cried again
The cry: it ran through me like pain, my hair stood on an end
And cold tears ran down my cheeks, the bird felt like a friend
I met its eyes, so black and cold, it just wanted to die
It just wanted the pain to end, to fly above the sky
Inside my pocket I felt it, the cool and metal knife
I drew it out, and knew this thing would bring the bird new life
I held it far above the bird but my hands just would not swing
Into the reddened body of the poor and dieing thingWww@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
its good, a few of the lines sound more like sentances then a line in a poem!. Sometimes you can just leave some words out or not go into lots of detail for the picture to be painted in their mind!.
Like these lines:
'I stopped and the cry came again, more clear and much more blue
I spun around and followed the noise, again the cry, it grew'
it could be:
I stopped, the cry it called again, more clear, more blue
I spun around to follow the noise, again the cry of sorrow grew'
You can removed some of the 'ands' as they are not needed and make it sound more like a poem!.
And don't listen to the people just giving nonconstructive criticism, they have no life so they feel they should sit around trying to make fun of other people for what they like because they have nothing better to do besides seek attention!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
I think it has a lot of feeling in it!.
Just a few suggestions:
you could replace "this thing" in 'I drew it out, and knew this thing would bring the bird new life' with it!.
"I spun around and followed the noise, again the cry, it grew"
could me made into -" I spun around and followed the cry and again it grew " or something like that!. (i'm not an expert in this sort of thing)
But i simply love the poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
i think this is rubbish, i agree with R2D2 = MK4 on this!. and i think you find that it's 'Choose' and not 'Chose' you special retard! why don't you stop writing poems and do some cleaning around the house!. i would say 'Get laid' but the fact you are doing poems obviously means you are a ugly cowWww@QuestionHome@Com
Hey, I'm glad your not listening to them!.
I would leave out those last two lines!.
I don't think you'll need much critique, just from the other one of yours I read!.
It was rougher than this at first and you wrote it beautifully!.
I hope you post this when your done!.
Nice:)Www@QuestionHome@Com
awwww!.!.!.!.!.!. *tear* that was cute!. i liked it!. is this a real story, or a comparison to your life!? anywayses, i liked it!. keep up the good work!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
WonderfulWww@QuestionHome@Com
My advice is to make it more compact!. Like this:
As I was walking down a dark, half-deserted street
I heard a cry so sad and sweet
I turned around not knowing what to do
The cry an alarm which grew
A siren call from a bird half-dead
down an alley painted red!.
By more compact I mean trying to condense the images to one per line!. I would avoid the use of commas as it slows your poem down!. I want to feel your fright/angst/hopelessness at finding the bird and the long, comma filled sentences seem to muck it up to me!. I would also eliminate the simile "ran through me like pain"!. My hair stood on end (not on an end) suggests electricity/lightning/fright; hence, I would reinforce this image with your preceding simile "ran through me like"!.
Hope this helps!. Interesting subject!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Georgia, you have a very tender heart (and soul) - the poem shows lots of promise!. Check it over for typos!.
The one statement is a bit bizarre - no one would mistake a seagull for a wren no matter how battered it was!.
Change that (a sparrow!? or perhaps a wren - wrens are really really small)
You don't need 'it' in 'the bird it cried again'
dying not dieing
I once had to kill a frog which had been attacked by birds, I stamped on its head and I had to stamp twice before it died!. It was awful!.
Sometimes dying animals are in shock and not actually feeling pain - let's hope this was the case!.
I reported certain people!. I see they have gone!. goodWww@QuestionHome@Com