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Question: Inproved poem! plz comment!?
i posted this poem earlier but it wasn't finished! this is the finished version
The Doe
By Georgia Hammond
She runs so fast but leaves no tracks
So graceful and so fleet
With legs so strong and beautiful
And black and potent feet
Her fur, so sleek, a brown so deep
And blue eyes wide and bright
And when she runs she kicks up dirt
Oh what a comely sight
Near by watches a beast so cruel
A beast, a fiend, a man
His eyes were pitiless and red
And then the hunt began
The doe, the man, their eyes, they met
The blue into the red
And just before the man could shoot
The doe, she turned and fled
She felt cold metal pierce her neck
And saw droplets of blood
She tripped and fell onto the ground
She died in the cold mud
And the legs that once ran over hills
No longer strong but frail
And the fur that once was brown and sleek
Lies bland from head to tail
plz give me your honest opinion!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
OK, Georgia (May I call you Georgia!?)!.
The Doe: Yes you're almost there with this revision!. Two points: You change tense unnecessarily!. With the man we're in the present tense but I think you can work it out better if you go into the past tense "Near by watched"
The metal piercing the Doe's neck would be hot and I think this ties in with the red and the blood quite well!. On this point I feel that "droplets" is weak; how about "She saw the rush of blood"!.
Lastly, (God I'm picky this morning!) how about that "bland"!? I think it's a bit!.!.!.bland! How about something like "smeared" or "muddied" or "mired" or even "besmirched"; with two syllables like that you could drop the "Lies" and still keep that tight, good short end!.
Get a Thesaurus they're useful and not cheating; a tool of the Craft!.
I do hope some of that helps because you really have something there!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
the first one started out good but then it just died!.!.!. in the wind!.!.!.
but the second one was much better !. about 3/4 way down where is refers to the rose and a glass i would have written, Delicate as a rose and fragile and glass instead of the other way around!.!.!.!. but very nice all around
keep writing
cheers
mysticWww@QuestionHome@Com
To me, the first one was catchy and pretty good!. The second one was more of a tragic tale!.
I thought both of them were excellent but I prefer the second one!. It's more!.!.!.how can I put this!.!.!.deep!. Yeah, it was deep!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Ehhh!.!.!.!.its ok!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Honestly I like them both!.
The first is written a little better!. But I think you used the word and too much!.
The second one I like also!. I think you could fix it up a bit!.
Honestly, they are good!.
You have quite the talent in writing!.
Very nice:)Www@QuestionHome@Com
It's pretty good!. I don't think the NRA would publish it, but you might go for an animal rights activists group!.
The Doe
By Georgia Hammond
She runs so fast but leaves no tracks
So graceful and so fleet
With legs so strong and beautiful
And black and potent feet <-- potent!?
Her fur, so sleek, a brown so deep
And blue eyes wide and bright <-- does have brown eyes
And when she runs she kicks up dirt
Oh what a comely sight
Near by watches a beast so cruel <--- Nearby
A beast, a fiend, a man
His eyes were pitiless and red
And then the hunt began
The doe, the man, their eyes, they met
The blue into the red <--- works with brown into red
And just before the man could shoot
The doe, she turned and fled
From this point on you've lost your meter and rhyme scheme
She felt cold metal pierce her neck
And saw droplets of blood
She tripped and fell onto the ground
She died in the cold mud
And the legs that once ran over hills
No longer strong but frail
And the fur that once was brown and sleek
Lies bland from head to tailWww@QuestionHome@Com