Can you offer suggestions to make this better?

Question: Can you offer suggestions to make this better!?

Under the City Lights

My heart was yours
that summer night,
dancing beneath the
starlit sky!.

Bodies close,
souls even closer,
moving in unflawed unison
with the wind!.

The sounds of us
supplied the air
with the perfect acoustic love song!.!.!.

Footsteps on
the rain-drenched street,
hearts beating
synchronously,
your hot breath upon my ear!.

Disoriented by the moment,
and lost in my own mind,
I didn't see them stop to stare!.
All I could see was you!.!.!.

all I can ever see is you!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:

Leave it alone - it is perfection!. I am not a fan of love poetry (unless written by one of the long dead poets) but when I see a good poem I know!. And this is very good!.
I think what makes it stand out from the crowd is your use of words such as acoustic and synchronously =) and because you move out from the moment under scrutiny and leave us with the the beautiful last line which can be interpreted in so many ways depending upon who is reading it!.
Thanks, very thoughtful and interesting!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

This is a picture you painted well!. You drew me in to the scene and moment!. My compliments!.
Critiques, minor, are: Line 2 second stanza: Maybe try this to get the pause "souls!.!.!.closer!." Line 3: do you need "moving in"!? Stanza 3, line 3: What about a comma after the second line and then just "perfect acoustics" !? To me the implication is still there!. Stanza 4 line 5: maybe omit "hot" it is implied anyway by breath!. Stanza 5 line 3: do you need "stop to" !? line 4: ok, but maybe a stronger setup like "and I really didn't care!.!.!."
These are just suggestions, do with them as you wish, it is your poem which I really enjoyed!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

If you will allow me!.!.!.

My heart was yours
that summer night,
dancing beneath
stars in the sky!.

Bodies so close,
souls even closer,
moving in unison,
within the wind!.

The sound of us
supplied the air
with the most perfect
accoustic song!.

Footsteps echo on,
rain slickend streets
hearts syncronous,
your breath on my ear!.

Lost in the moment,
in my own mind
I could see nothing
but I saw you!.

I hope you see the difference!. it flows better and has lost none of the meaning!. And each stanza now has four lines!.
If you don't like it disregard it!. LOLWww@QuestionHome@Com

No, I can't offer any suggestions to make this better!. To me, it reads fine as is!. You have a thrilling talent for the vernacular poetry, and that is awesome!. You can find the fathomless in the ordinary, with gems of words thrown in to spin the world around!. I really loved this piece, or maybe it's just the romantic in me that longs for this!. Thank you, sher!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like this very much!. It has a certain lightness that is very appealing!.

When I write poetry, I often set the piece aside for a while then come back and see what I can omit without losing the message!. The more concise the writing, the stronger it is!.

Have you considered using the title as the first line of the poem!? What could be removed to tighten the writing!? Is the last line necessary!? The line, "All I could see was you!." sounds like a very good place to end!.

This is very nice as it is, but you might want to fine tune it!. If you do, I hope you will post it again!. I would like to see what you do with this poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

there's nothing technically wrong with it, and it makes sense and conveys feeling and imagery!. No way to change it for the better without making it an entirely different poem!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

It's passionate but 'acoustic'!? 'synchronously'!? Leave out acoustic and change synchronously to 'as one' You are a poet (it's good) not a stereo sales(wo)man!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Infatuation, rapture, is captured, reads like a song and I can hear the music of, "It's Magic!." BravoWww@QuestionHome@Com

no you find!!! really no one can tell you wat to write because poems are wrote to tell stories and how a person is feeling , thats how you felt and thats your story, and its written well!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

I like this very much and wouldn't actually change it!. Others would, but not I!.Www@QuestionHome@Com

Its genius!. Don't change a thing!!Www@QuestionHome@Com