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Question: Will you comment and critique this please!?
MELTING STONES
I was lost
along that old
dirt road (some call it life),
and I found
a stone,
which I knew (my intuition),
felt no pain!.
Longing for comfort,
I took out my heart,
and replaced it (now I'll feel nothing),
and I continued
walking
the road!.
When sorrow came my way,
I brushed it off!.
When lovers wished to stay,
I let them go!. (Invincibility felt so right)
Nothing had an impact,
no energy, or synergy
could touch me
and I walked the road alone,
finding it harder
and harder to smile!. (it seemed that I should care)
But then,
newcomer,
taking my hand
and not letting go,
begging me to
let my feelings show!.
I HAVE NONE!
I shouted!.
I'M BLISSFUL ALONE!
(You know I feel nothing)
My heart is a stone!.
They looked at me,
and smiled so sweet!.
"Even a stone
feels heat from the sun,
and can be eroded
by a river!."Www@QuestionHome@Com
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
I think that the first five parenthetical remarks should be thrown out, and the last one freed from shackles of the parentheses!. I think that strengthens the whole idea!. It forces the reader to think!. What do you think!?Www@QuestionHome@Com
That was an amazing read!. I really got into it, wondering where it was going to lead, and I was not disappointed!. It led me to a solution!. Maybe taken, maybe not, no decision, just a posible solution to a stone where a heart should be!. Another thing that can melt a heart of stone is a small girl looking at you with wide eyes and saying "I love you"!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
This almost seems like a poem all by itself:
newcomer,
take my hand
and don't let go,
I dare you to to beg me
to let my feelings show!.
I HAVE NONE!
I shout
I'M BLISSFUL ALONE!
I feel nothing
My heart is a stone!.
He looked at me,
and smiled so sweet!.
"Even a stone
feels heat
and erodes
from the ravages of a river OR I also like "ravages of time!."
IDK!.!.!.!.see what YOU think!.!.
overall it's interesting!.!.!.!.the way you wrote itWww@QuestionHome@Com
that's absolutely amazing!. i write poetry too, but that was written pretty well!. i like how you lined it up by saying that you took your heart out and you didn't feel anything, and how you ended it that even a stone feels heat from the sun!. beautifully written and very interesting!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
simply AweSoMe Eva!
i mean it! awesome!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Beautifully written!.
It's amazing how I can relate to so many of your poems!.Www@QuestionHome@Com
Very nice!. I like the uneven pacing and the use of punctuation!. Original!Www@QuestionHome@Com
Sheesh, you're good!. :0 I have no advice, it's very good how it is!. :0Www@QuestionHome@Com
wow thats beautiful!. I've never really seen poetry written in this style!.!.!.but you pulled it off somehow!Www@QuestionHome@Com